I think I should answer the "why" question for people. I know it's been on many of your minds. The short answer--we don't know and we may never know. The coroner will perform an autopsy sometime in the next few weeks. That may give some answers, but the doctors said many times it doesn't. The nurses also drew about a gallon of blood from Heather, hoping to find something from the lab tests they'll do. We will go in for an appointment in 4 weeks and may find some answers there, but we're not going to expect any concrete answers.
So then we start to wonder about the spiritual "whys." Why God did this happen? Thinking we're some great stupid pious people, we've even sinned by thinking, "Why us who actually love you and not _____ who hates you and doesn't even want kids and will probably beat them and not feed them and yell at them and treat them like garbage?" God, I'm sorry for thinking this. That's just ugly religious piety.
We still have great hope though that God has a reason. We may not know this year. We may not ever know. But God's Word is extremely comforting through the "whys." It says, God is in control ... don't worry. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
But right now, every reason for "why" seems so trivial. In fact, everything seems so trivial. To think about proofreading, Heather's shopping and couponing, watching TV, having grass in my yard ... they're just all so completely pointless and stupid.
WHAT IF
This is where bad thoughts happen and can spiral out of control. Thankfully, we haven't delved too deep into this one. But here's a couple going through our minds:
-What if we would have agreed with the doctor and delivered two weeks ago when we stayed overnight in the hospital when Heather had signs of preenclampsia?
-Last night as Heather and I were eating some veggies, she said, "What if I would've eaten more broccoli?"
-What if on our appointment the week before, when the first thing the doctor said to us was, "Wow, I'm really surprised you haven't delivered yet with all your preenclampsia signs." What if we would have just said there, "Yeah, can we just schedule a C-section for the next couple days?"
-What if I would've warmed up that food for Heather a little hotter on Saturday night? Would that have killed the bacteria that may have caused Maelee's death? Then I start to think about her being poisoned by some dumb plastic container that I heated up in the microwave and I can just see her struggling for life, and we're just innocently thinking she's kicking again.
No more what if's. Please pray for no more what if's.
7 comments:
Hey Greg. It warms my heart that your faith is strong, and you are able to weigh the whys and what-ifs. A heart-wrenching process, I'm sure, but healthy too...I'm praying for you today.
I will be praying for you in the "what ifs". I know this was a huge area of struggle for Todd and I. We could have completely drown in the "what ifs". We realized we could not allow ourselves to go there because they truly did not matter and we knew Satan wanted to bog us down with those and turn us on each other. I will be praying for God's strength for you to cling to Truth and shut out the "what ifs". To be very honest with you, this is still a road I can be tempted to go down, but it is all LIES. God still is who He said He is and He is sovereign. I know this is true and I claim it,and I will pray the same for you. It sounds like you guys are clinging to the Lord and being honest with Him, we are praising the Lord for that.
"What if"s" I am convinced are from the pit. I pray for grace, with each tear...
Greg and Heather - I haven't been able to stop thinking about you guys this week. I know that the why's will probably never be answered, but I pray that God will bring you His peace as you grieve for Maelee and all that you have lost.
Greg. Heather was a classmate of mine and since I have heard of your loss-- I have thought about you and Heather many times throughout the last few days. Your story has touched me so. Your writing is beautiful and your sharing is courageous. The Why question is something I have asked God myself countless times this last week since learning about your little girl. I am inspired by you and your spiritual nature. I will continue to think about you and your amazing family. Please keep writing. Your messages are powerful.
Sarah Geltel Opsal
we are praying for His grace to strengthen you all- to flee- turn the direction of your thoughs when what if's come against you. You simply are not responsible for any what ifs whatsoever.
Much love and prayers for you for this-
Matt and Jill
I love you Greg and Heather. I`ve been thinking and praying for you night and day.
Ryan and Sarah Donahue
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