Working on Maelee's album. Almost two years later. Why my hesitancy?
Because I feel like once I’m done with her book, that’s it. I don’t get to make any more. Eli will have countless books… enough books that his future wife will have to figure out storage options for them. But Maelee, she just gets one. I have all the folders saved on my computer, all the files ready to go, the photos of my pregnancy, the ultrasounds scanned, every flower given, all the photos of her name and the few of her… all ready to be made into a book.
And I keep putting it off. I don’t want to be done with it. There's finality in it that makes me ache.
On the flip side, I really, really want to have her book! I could show it to others and brag about her. I have a Groupon to use up from a photo site that expires March 3rd so I have a bit of a deadline on me (which is exactly what I need). I also want to have it done and in my hands by her second birthday.
On top of the reality I never get to do another book for her, I also have the desire to make her book the BEST ever. I want it to be perfect. Of course, it never will. I'll never be completely satisfied with it. Especially because I am sort of feeling "meh" about the photo site I chose and their design tools. Simple, must keep it simple.
If you are inclined, pray for me to finish her album in time and for my heart as I pour over photos about her, of her, honoring her this next month. I've only been working on it the past few days and I can sense it's not going to be finished lightly, without some wrestling in my heart. I welcome those feelings, really, but I don't want to be a complete basketcase the next month either.
I started with photos from our "Baby Grether" folder. Some I really haven't looked at since they were taken; reminiscing about her shower, remembering our excitement, my weight gain, you know, typical stuff. I gained quite a bit more weight with our girl, here I am at 37 weeks. Whoa baby bump!
The last ultrasound we had of Maelee she was sucking her thumb... this is the last time we "saw" her alive, just a few days before she died. Oh what I wouldn't give to have her here.
So you understand a little why this may be a tough month of designing a book? It's just not any 'ol album. It's Maelee's Album. Her one and only "baby book" that encompasses most all of the photos and mementos of her too-short life.
And once it’s done, please ask to see it. And then years later, please ask again. So that even though I only get to design one book for her, we’ll make it count.
-Heather
2 comments:
I can't wait to see it. And I still look at her "mini" book that sits on my shelf every time I dust it (Maelee is probably laughing at how little that happens!). Love you - Am
I hesitated finishing Evan's book too. I was moping around the house when it was finished. Not a happy camper that day.
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