Seven!

Greg and I have been married for seven years today. It was a cold, snowy day in Grand Forks, North Dakota back in 2005 when we said our vows in front of some really great people. Today we went out on a lunch date and then went and put our feet in the sand. Not quite Jamaica beach sand... more like the banks of the Missouri river sand. Great stuff. It was a beautiful day out there and so peaceful. Exactly how you want a spend every Monday if you could. Almost 70 degrees and sunny with a sky so huge you just want to reach out and take a bite out of it.

But even if the weather was crappy today, it still would have been enjoyable because I got to spend it with my favorite person in the world. I love my husband and I am so grateful to be married to him. I wish there were more Greg Kasowski's in the world, then there would be a whole lot more happy wives out there.

That's not creepy, is it?

I'll spare the mushy romantic fluffy words because Greg's not a fan of me gushing about him. Just know he's a catch and I'm giddy about life with him.

-Greg's Wife

CLT to MSP to BIS.

We made it to North Dakota. We left long before the sun came up on Saturday morning. A seventy-five minute drive and two flights later, we arrived. No major issues and just a few screams from Eli (thanks Gerber puffs and Cheerios for keeping him happy). So glad to see my MIL and SIL's faces waiting for us.

We were out with friends last night and I kept thinking it was still so early because it was light outside. The sky wasn't dark until right before 10 o'clock! Gosh I miss that. We didn't get to bed until late. Yesterday was a looong day, even with only an hour time difference. Then Eli was up much of the night (pretty sure the fam wasn't ready for those screams every other hour)! He got one shot on Friday and got an allergic reaction to it... he's got around twenty welts on his arms and legs that look like big mosquito bites. Poor kid. Add the traveling thing and a runny nose and he's just not quite normal. Hopefully he'll be back to his typical schedule/self soon. But considering we'll be going from place to place for the next two weeks, he may just revert back to newborn needy status. Oh I hope not!


Get ready for a barrage of photos from our home state... it's coming!

-Heather

Now Onto Years.

I adore baby-through-the-month shots. They always fascinate me. I remember the day Eli was one month old. My sister was here and I quickly stuck him in his car seat with this blanket from the Lindvigs and took a few photos. I wish I would have had Pinterest back then... I would have done some ridiculously cute things if so (same tie, holding his month number, holding the same toy, etc). But maybe that would have been too much each month, eh?

The brown blanket in his car seat was easy. He did grow out of this car seat months ago and now he just wants to sit up in it. And as you can see in month eight I got a new camera and thus the rest of the months the brown blanket doesn't quite look the same, go figure! But I did it, I took a photo each month on the 27th (except July, we were traveling then so I took it the next day). It's not going to win any creativity awards but the kid surely might win a cutest kid on the block award!

And yes, this year has gone fairly quickly. I mean our sweet seven pounds, one ounce of a boy is one! It's crazy we won't be counting in months anymore, we have moved on to years. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love seeing Eli grow up and change and become a little Kasowski.

-One Happy Mama

He's ONE!

Today our sweet, adorable little man is ONE! One year ago today we held our living, breathing redemption baby boy in our arms as we cried tears of joy and relief. He was born alive and healthy and we are thankful for every second we've been given with him. It hasn't always been easy but next to being Greg's wife, there has been no greater joy in my life than being Eli's mom. So grateful for this journey of parenthood with him.

We had his twelve month well baby check-up today. Eli is now 30 inches long but he's still only 23.3 pounds (he's been around that weight for many months). Their computers were broken but I looked up online and I think he's in the 50th percentile for his head circumference, 75th for weight, and 75th for height... so fairly evenly spread out! Here's a few of the photos from our monthly photo shoot just now:

pulling at his hair - he does this often

camera!

what a face!

I know I'm biased... but man, this kid is adorable!

-Heather

Elephant Handprint Craft.

These are the elephant handprint crafts we made at Eli's birthday party. Aren't they just cute as can be? I used the template from this blog and made it a bit bigger. I haven't attached Eli's to the orange paper yet but my plan is to do that and then add his name and age.

I made different color birdies for Eli's friends. Lots of sweet handprints!

I thought it was the perfect craft because it had an elephant for Eli plus a little birdie that, to me, represents Maelee. Love it when that happens.

-Heather

Vibe.

Here's some adorableness for you today...

Eli and Caleb hanging out together in their matching duds:

And here are the dudes with their friends, Chloe and Mercy:

Love these kids!

-Heather

Eli the Elephant has a PARTY!

First off, read my post from last Wednesday so you know some of the reason why I went ALL OUT and WAY OVER THE TOP for Eli's first birthday party.

Got it? Good. Okay, now here are some of the details of the day. I'll post more photos of the friends and fun we had later. Because we did have lots of fun! The weather was wonderful. The kids were adorable. Everything was great.

Here's the Eli shrine display. The best is the 1-11 month photo garland (I took a photo each month of the little man). I did the yarn letters but they wouldn't stand up so I had to use Eli's elephants for support. My orange tulips that were in the blue vase died this morning - whoops. So I stuck an elephant in there, too. The vest is from December but the two outfits are his newborn size. It's so crazy to think he wore those once! Plus his orange/blue shoes that usually stay on his crib:

Love watching this boy grow!

Greg designed a little "1" elephant for his invite so we used that throughout. We made labels for the water, orange powerade, propel... turned out so cute:

This was above Eli's high chair and boy did he like to look at them:

More elephants... and an Eli is One banner:

Loved this idea of a "one" made of photos throughout his first year (via Pinterest). We had a build your own sandwich bar plus blue and orange chips and carrots and dip (are their blue vegetables?):

Fruit kabobs but only with blue and orange fruit (grapes, blueberries, cantaloupe). And cupcakes and candy (all blue and orange, of course)!

The cupcake toppers (yep, I made everything):

We had an elephant craft that I'll post about later (the finished product is awesomely cute):

Five of Eli's friends were small enough to sit in bumbos... so we had a whole section for them!

Luke is showing off his elephant shaped peanut butter sandwich!

Eli looked really cute all day!

He enjoyed his cupcake... and his elephant bib I made:

And the onesie I made that I thought was going to be a bomb actually turned out super cute! Aren't you proud, Mom? I sort of sewed.

Pin the trunk on the elephant game... the kids weren't quite the right age but it was still fun!

Buckets of peanuts? Now they were a HIT with the kids. They could come and scoop some up, bring them outside... loads of fun. And yes, I did make sure there were no peanut allergies.

Eli's favors for his friends were bottles with goldfish for the big kids and blue/orange sunflower seeds and circus peanuts for the babies (for their parents, of course, since they don't eat anything yet!).

My talented friend Cindy made these for Eli, how perfect are they?!

We had a great time - wish you could have joined us! More photos to follow!

-Heather

Goldfish.

He did it. Our boy definitely did it yesterday. There was no mistake. He crawled. He went right for the little pile of bait (goldfish crackers). He is by no means an expert. But he CAN do it and now he finally HAS done it. I even got video of it. You could watch it except I do not feel like uploading a video right now. Sorry. Take away a few of my gold star cool points.

We are getting ready for a super fun party tomorrow. It's going to be crazy! I'll try hard to remember to take photos of all the festivities. I can't believe our boy is going to be one in one week. Yow-zah!

-Heather

Party People.

I remember a time when I said "April 18th" all the time. I remember when it was a date full of dreams and wonder and excitement. When people asked me my due date, I'd say "April 18th" with a big 'ol smile on my face. Of course I realized that most babies are not born on their exact due dates, but I still thought Maelee's due date was a just great date because my birthday is June 18th and it fit, ya know? Now this date sort of encompasses the unfulfilled dreams we had for the pregnancy with her...

One of those unfulfilled dreams was her parties. Her first birthday, which would have been spectacular and girly right down to the pink and brown polka dots, to tea parties to her first sleepover to her graduation... really the parties would have been so fun! I think she would have like to have her friends over for fun and games. I see her as sweetly social, not over the top but not introverted. We don't know what her personality would have been like, so I can only dream... and of course she's always going to be close to perfect in our minds.

It makes sense, in my head at least, that because I don't get to plan parties for Maelee, that I'm going to go ALL OUT for Eli's first birthday. Just this once I want to go bananas. I'll tame it down for future parties (at least I promised Greg that much) but we are going to celebrate on Saturday the fact our boy, our sweet, adorable, living boy has made it a year (okay 359 days, we are partying early). There will be way too many photos and banners and little elephants. Way.Over.The.Top. We must remember I used to be an event planner in my former life.

Our house is small so it's only Eli's close friends (otherwise I would have invited everyone, like you and your cousin and your cousin's dog) and his family is too far to come (thankfully he'll get to party with relatives soon!). I just checked the weather and it's probably going to be cloudy and rainy (good thing I planned a porch activity and inside craft!). But it's all going to be legendary. Now I realize Eli's not going to remember his first birthday party. But I will. I will treasure the fact we had one, really themed-up party.

Theme, you ask? Blue, Orange, and Elephants of course! Don't worry, I'll take a ridiculous amount of photos to share of all the little details. Now, I must go and try accomplish the long list of Pinteresty crafts for a special someone's party.

-Heather

Beach Day.

Yesterday we took a little day trip to the ocean. It always amazes me that we can have our feet in the ocean in the time it takes to drive from Williston to Minot. Yep, I'm still a North Dakotan in that I always compare driving distances to how long it takes to get somewhere from my hometown.

It was mostly cloudy with random bursts of sun. When the sun was out it was warm but without it, the wind made it chilly. The nice thing about it not being bright sunny hot is we didn't have to worry as much about sunburns. Don't worry, sunscreen was still applied to exposed areas.

I was expecting squeals of delight when Eli's feet touched the water. What we got instead were quizzical stares. He had fun, of course. Nothing beats lunch on the beach. He was worn out, too. He slept the whole way back and then got a taste of my DQ ice cream. What's with the beach making you famished?

a mohawk in the breeze

fun with daddy

hat kept blowing off, must find one with a strap!

fun with mommy

loves the view from daddy's shoulders

feet buried in the sand by a silly papa

on our minds especially during special days

Eli's first trip to the ocean = precious. Maybe next time we'll actually go in deeper than our knees. And try for a "tan."

-Heather

Like this.

If you are on facebook, please go HERE or to my profile and see the photo I shared from our library's site of Eli "reading". If you like it by 5pm today, your "vote" will count for Eli to win a $100 gift card! He needs to get the most votes... so we need like 40 more likes:) Worth a shot, eh?

If you want to "share" the photo on your page so random people I don't know can like it, feel free.

We are heading to the doctor this morning. The little man has an ear infection (I think). Also Eli was "evaluated" yesterday morning by the consultant lady and we'll get results in a few weeks if he qualifies for physical therapy or development help or whatever he needs to start crawling/pulling up/sucking (those are the areas he lacks). More on that later!

-Heather

UPDATE: No ear infection! That's good news but it doesn't explain the crabby or the random ear pulling. I guess we'll go with teeth. I had ulterior motives, however. I wanted to talk to our doctor about weaning Eli and his no-crawling stuff. She gave the okay to try whole milk (I feel like I'm running dry and Eli's not getting enough). She also is going to call the coordinator that came over yesterday to expedite the process. All in all, worth the $20 co-pay!

And YES, go vote/like Eli by 5pm today! We only need 20-25 more likes I think!

UPDATE 2: Eli won! I'm pretty amazed at social media where in under 24 hours, Eli got 99 votes! Plus a few more for good measure. I think I became slightly obsessed with it yesterday, I guess we don't usually win things. I'm not sure what store the $100 gift card is from... so here's hoping it's someplace awesome and not like Chad's Plumbing Supplies or Palmetto Fire Hydrants. I'll let you know. Thanks to all our friends and family that "liked" Eli and continue to like him.

First Easter.

Eli's First Easter 

He didn't get too excited about the contents of his Easter basket. More just the handle.

But he was the cutest kid at church (slightly biased of course). Check out the hat!

Eli loves, loves, loves to ride on Daddy's shoulders!

Don't you just want to hug him?

The pants didn't make this photo with Gramps. Still cute though.

Two sets of hands that I just adore...

Of course I thought of Maelee often on Easter Sunday... and admittedly it's a little harder for me to get into the holiday itself with all the memories of her (the reason for/behind Easter (Jesus has Risen!) I fully rejoice in however). Instead of a full-on meal, I requested we just have my dad's oh-so-yummy omelets. Odd, but it was great. We sat in our backyard and just enjoyed the meal on a gorgeous spring day. Then Eli took a long nap while we just relaxed outside. So grateful my parents were here and grateful for Eli to be alive with us.

-Heather

We Remembered Her.

I imagine every year from now on the first week of April is just going to be special. I hope we always continue to remember Maelee though I'm sure it will look and feel a bit different twenty years from now. But the cupcake thing, the tulip thing... those are traditions I'd like to add to our vault of family traditions.

Last year was especially hard: the monumental first birthday and the marking of a whole year without her, plus me 34 weeks pregnant and worrying about our boy, wondering if we'd lose him, too. We had a good day celebrating her then (read here). This year was not as hard for many reasons, the main one being that we have Eli here alive and healthy and keeping us busy.

The few days leading up to her birthday were actually more raw for me. She was on my mind when I went to bed and when I woke up and in my dreams. I went back to that awful day, I thought on the details of what I remember of her birth... and going back there in my mind is hard. Yet I don't want to forget some of those details either. Then I think about the now and what life would be like with Maelee here. With both Maelee and Eli. And that breaks your heart, too. What a great big sister she would have been! So many would have beens. So many.

My mom baked cupcakes that we ate over the week. Then on her birthday my parents, Eli and I went downtown to the cupcake store and bought some fancy ones. This Red Velvet looks like a pretty great Maelee cupcake and tasted pretty awesome, too.

The tulips Eli/Greg got me earlier in the week started to wilt but gratefully Eli's friend, Ava, and her mommy dropped some by to add to the bouquet. Perfect timing! I LOVE pink tulips for my girl! My sister also sent me some tulips but they were still in the dirt on Friday... amazingly two are about to bloom already. So I'll get to enjoy those for awhile plus get to plant them. Thanks Am, Jeff, Ali and cousin Ava!

My parents bought me a sweet little candy dish that has a birdie on it, too. Since her room was birdies, I think of Maelee when I see a little bird. And it's hard not to buy everything. But on her birthday, it makes sense to add to my "stuff that reminds me of my daughter" collection.

Normally kids get to taste cake for the first time on their first birthday but I decided Eli would celebrate his sister by tasting cake on her birthday instead of waiting another three weeks. He just wanted to poke the cupcake. I gave him a few bites of the cake part and he ate them gladly (but not with as much zeal as I would have thought). It was pretty cute.

Greg came home early from work on Friday and just us two went for a walk in the forest nearby. We also were able to go out to eat just us two. It was so nice for my parents to be here to watch Eli for us... it made the day that much more special.

I had Eli wear the Twins onesie I had bought for Maelee while in ND for Auntie Amy and Uncle Andrew's wedding back in September 2009, shortly after I found out I was pregnant with her. Eli's only been able to wear a few things of his sister's so I'm glad this fit him right now.

Here is our family photo from the day, with our Maelee Bear.

Missing our fourth

maeleELInn - so grateful for this little brother

Thanks to all who thought of Maelee on her birthday and this Easter weekend. It brings me great joy to know our daughter is not forgotten and is missed by others. Thanks to those that ate cupcakes or something delicious in her memory. That makes me smile. And thanks for praying and loving us through this tough-filled week but also throughout the year as we continue to grieve.

-Heather

Oh and no balloon release after 1. The store I went to didn't have a plain pink balloon and 2. I read a post about how bad balloons were for the environment. Silly me, shouldn't google things I want to do.

Relax.

I'm not looking forward to saying good-bye to my parents tomorrow. I always get sad when family leaves... but it's going to be especially hard because Eli has gotten accustomed to being spoiled by these two! Wednesday should be interesting!

We've had a great time just relaxing... no projects or huge meals or to-do lists or computer time. Really a nice laid-back southern few days.

Thanks to all the prayers and love the past week for us. We are thankful.

More later... I have another day of relaxing to do!

-Heather

Two Years.

Missing you today, sweet Maelee Linn.

-Mommy

Worst Day.

Warning - this post may be hard to read: 

My dear friend who has been down this same road of suffering emailed yesterday and said "But, I know you can close your eyes and 2 years ago is just a few seconds ago in your memory."

Yep. I can. It is right there. I try not do that too often. I don't think it's healthy to really dwell on the worst day of my life over and over. But I also don't think it's healthy to suppress it or pretend it didn't happen. So I spent time writing what I recall from the worst day of our lives...

I remember the feeling calling the nurse that morning: nervousness mixed with excitement. I remember us assuming we were overreacting and feeling a bit silly for it. I remember feeling bad Greg would have to miss the first few hours of work that Monday. I remember looking up as we crossed over the bridge at the green sign to Downtown Columbia. I remember the pink shirt, black pants I was wearing sitting directly in front of the reception area with Greg in his khaki's and green shirt. I remember the lighted hallway, cream walls as we walked back to the ultrasound room and the smiling technician reassuring us that baby was just sleeping and everything was fine. I remember the blue walls and stupid border wallpaper in the small room. I remember her words. Her devastating words. And that still... oh so still and motionless screen.

Then the hug...no, the clinging we did as husband and wife. The grasping for air as we cried out, as we prayed for a Lazarus miracle. I remember my angry doubting. Then the shock hitting. The feeling of being slapped and completely drained of every ounce of being. I don't remember walking down the hall to the doctor's office but I remember sitting there, half-listening to her suggestions regarding delivery. I remember wanting baby out. I remember staring down at the street from the 5th floor, watching the people, the traffic and wishing this would all just fade away.

I don't remember the drive home but I know I was crying. I remember walking into the house and falling on the floor in the living room next to the couch, full of blankets from my weeks of bed rest. I remember Greg talking. I remember not wanting to say anything then realizing he was talking to my mom and feeling like I should. I remember I told her "the baby didn't make it, she didn't make it" then the need to reassure her of the hope that we'll be okay. I remember screaming out at her room as I went to get our bag. I remember feeling so overwhelmed that the bag we had packed had nothing in it I really needed.

I remember hating the memories of our stupid birthing class as we headed into the hospital parking garage. I remember it felt like a really long time to find our way to the right area. I remember talking to the nurses, telling them who we were and patting my belly when I said "she died" and seeing the looks of pity on their faces. I remember knowing we got the room at the end of the hallway. I remember emotionally crawling into a hole and with no desire to come out, minus to be with Greg. I remember seeing him alone on the dark hospital floor bawling his eyes out when he thought I was asleep. I don't remember when April 5th officially ended and the next day started... but it did.

And the next day, Maelee's birthday, is better somehow in my memory because we got to name her, see her and hold her, hard as that was. But this day, this day-we-found-out-our-baby-didn't-make-it... that day has no redeeming quality. It just hurts.


-Heather

Holding.

Easter Sunday 2010 April 4th was the day that Maelee died in my womb. We didn't know that until the next day but this day still means something to me.

It happened, right? She existed, right? Sometimes it just feels like our new normal is "oh yeah and I had a stillbirth and then a year or so later I had her brother and that's our story" and I almost forget... no that's not the right word, I live on and survive and sometimes that means I don't go into the details, I don't go there in my heart. But her birthday week is when I am even more near and dear to the memory of the baby, the actual 6 pounds 8 ounces of baby that I delivered, that I never got to hear cry or see her take that first breath. You just don't go through eight-plus months of expecting a live person and just forget it ever happened. I can give you a hundred links of baby loss blogs out there to prove that.

So I'm being intentional in spending time reflecting on all that means, all her life and her death and what losing her has done to me, how the Lord has used this to change me. I'll be writing more on that later but one of the first things Greg wrote after Maelee died when he was processing grief was a hope that others would be holding their kids closer each night, not taking their live children for granted.

Today I held my boy while he slept and just stared at him. He was up too early today, naps were off and instead of his typical long afternoon nap, he just had some in spurts (Grammy and Gramps are here and he's just too excited I guess). So his last nap? I just held him. I don't do that often but today, today I needed to just stare down at his sweet eyelashes and his button nose and see the breath coming in and out of him. I needed to feel him next to me, to relish in the fact that he is alive.

He does not replace or nullify Maelee. He doesn't change the fact she happened. But oh how he has filled the empty arms. You don't get over holding your dead child in your arms. Nope, pretty sure that's going to stick with you. The arms still ache for her presence but they are so grateful for the darling rainbow boy to occupy them. So for those that it applies to: don't forget, please don't forget, the lesson of holding your kids closer each night.

-Heather

Cupcakes Again.

Two of the pages in Maelee's album were the cupcake photos people sent me last year. Cupcakes have always been a favorite of mine (I used to have a tiny pink bike with cupcakes on the seat) and they continue to remind me of my sweet daughter in heaven.

I'm not sure what Maelee's birthday will look like in the years to come but we'll make sure cupcakes are a part of the day. So if you want to celebrate Maelee this week, have a cupcake in her memory.

We'll probably buy some cupcakes from our downtown cupcake-only bakery - super delicious and very gorgeous. Last night my boys brought me home some pink tulips from the grocery store... since my home-grown ones didn't make it to a vase. I think Eli will learn early that his momma likes pink tulips! I'll also be buying a pink balloon or two for Eli to play with and then Friday we'll let him release it. These are a few of the ways I've thought to keep remembering her and celebrating her this first week in April. I don't want to go overboard and have too much, but a few simple things are needed and right.

And to make it better: my parents arrive tomorrow! Not only will they be here for Maelee's birthday and Easter, but they will get to spoil Eli silly. Both Greg and I are ready to have a set of grandparents around to love on Eli. He's so fun right now... most especially when he has your undivided attention! We are looking forward to a special week with them.

-Heather

Stop Time.

You know those moments that stop time? You can remember them vividly. You recall the oddest details: the setting, the people, the sounds. Or maybe it's the feeling of the moment that is captured in stone. Most often these never-forgotten moments are tragic. Sometimes joyful. Usually life changing.

I'd venture to say that most people remember where they were when they found out about the 9/11 tragedy. I remember walking into my dorm room and seeing my roommate fixated on the TV. I'm sure people that were alive when President Kennedy was assassinated can remember exactly where they were. Events with such a global impact are bound to stop you in your tracks.

Of course personal events may be more vivid. And for me, those involve death. I suppose the finality of death and the uncertainty of it are some of why it stops us in our tracks.

I remember hearing my grandmother died (unexpectedly). I was nine. I ran downstairs to look through the picture box because I wanted to find photos of her, I wanted to see her. I remember I felt really weird walking as a family down the church aisle in front of everyone else. I remember looking up at my dad at her funeral and seeing him cry and wanting so badly to fix it. The memory is stuck, embedded years later.

I remember learning my friend died in an accident in high school, bawling next to my parent's bed in my blue pajamas. I remember skipping school to lay on leaves and grieve as I began to think about what life was all about. 

I remember where I was, what I was doing when I found out my sister-in-law's mother had left earth far too soon. I remember the feeling of being almost jealous as I thought of heaven and the glory there yet feeling such sadness for Jill.

I remember the ER visit, the packed waiting room as I waited to learn the reason for the piercing pain. I remember the worry for our first child and the desire for Greg to be with me. I remember calling my sister and not being able to form words because of the tears. I remember the drive home, the surreal feeling of being changed but not understanding why. I remember reading Tear Soup with Greg and learning it was right and good to cry and grieve.

I'm certain I will always remember the moment we found out Maelee died. I wonder, though, what details will fade and what will stay? The gut-wrenching, stomach-curling ache will forever be there, lessened of course. Yet the morning of April 5, 2010 will forever be etched in my mind.

And now... I want to acknowledge the fact that we were not the only ones to go through those painful few days. We were not the only ones whose lives completely stopped when they found out. We are not the only ones that can tell you details of that day. And I don't believe I've ever wanted to know until now, but where were you? Where were you when you were interrupted with the news that Greg and Heather's baby died? What do you remember? I know from my own experiences that if you find out something tragic, it will stick with you. So feel free to share with me, a comment or email or tell me in person someday.

I just wrote up what I remember from the worst day of our lives. It wasn't easy to recall (so I'm sorry if you are brought back to a bad place, remembering is hard). Instead of posting it here, I will wait and post on the 5th. Please skip that if it's going to be too much for you.

-Heather

April 1 two years ago was the last time we saw Maelee alive in an ultrasound, everything looked great and we were giddy. I feel like posting the lyrics to one of the songs Greg wrote shortly after Maelee died...

Perfect Peace 
Pink is on my mind
Think about you all the time
Pink is on my mind
Life goes on, but you stop time

Perfect peace
And closed tight eyes
Out of the womb
There were no cries

Pink is all I see
When I wake and when I sleep
Pink is all I see
Know my love in this deep grief