We Remembered Her.

I imagine every year from now on the first week of April is just going to be special. I hope we always continue to remember Maelee though I'm sure it will look and feel a bit different twenty years from now. But the cupcake thing, the tulip thing... those are traditions I'd like to add to our vault of family traditions.

Last year was especially hard: the monumental first birthday and the marking of a whole year without her, plus me 34 weeks pregnant and worrying about our boy, wondering if we'd lose him, too. We had a good day celebrating her then (read here). This year was not as hard for many reasons, the main one being that we have Eli here alive and healthy and keeping us busy.

The few days leading up to her birthday were actually more raw for me. She was on my mind when I went to bed and when I woke up and in my dreams. I went back to that awful day, I thought on the details of what I remember of her birth... and going back there in my mind is hard. Yet I don't want to forget some of those details either. Then I think about the now and what life would be like with Maelee here. With both Maelee and Eli. And that breaks your heart, too. What a great big sister she would have been! So many would have beens. So many.

My mom baked cupcakes that we ate over the week. Then on her birthday my parents, Eli and I went downtown to the cupcake store and bought some fancy ones. This Red Velvet looks like a pretty great Maelee cupcake and tasted pretty awesome, too.

The tulips Eli/Greg got me earlier in the week started to wilt but gratefully Eli's friend, Ava, and her mommy dropped some by to add to the bouquet. Perfect timing! I LOVE pink tulips for my girl! My sister also sent me some tulips but they were still in the dirt on Friday... amazingly two are about to bloom already. So I'll get to enjoy those for awhile plus get to plant them. Thanks Am, Jeff, Ali and cousin Ava!

My parents bought me a sweet little candy dish that has a birdie on it, too. Since her room was birdies, I think of Maelee when I see a little bird. And it's hard not to buy everything. But on her birthday, it makes sense to add to my "stuff that reminds me of my daughter" collection.

Normally kids get to taste cake for the first time on their first birthday but I decided Eli would celebrate his sister by tasting cake on her birthday instead of waiting another three weeks. He just wanted to poke the cupcake. I gave him a few bites of the cake part and he ate them gladly (but not with as much zeal as I would have thought). It was pretty cute.

Greg came home early from work on Friday and just us two went for a walk in the forest nearby. We also were able to go out to eat just us two. It was so nice for my parents to be here to watch Eli for us... it made the day that much more special.

I had Eli wear the Twins onesie I had bought for Maelee while in ND for Auntie Amy and Uncle Andrew's wedding back in September 2009, shortly after I found out I was pregnant with her. Eli's only been able to wear a few things of his sister's so I'm glad this fit him right now.

Here is our family photo from the day, with our Maelee Bear.

Missing our fourth

maeleELInn - so grateful for this little brother

Thanks to all who thought of Maelee on her birthday and this Easter weekend. It brings me great joy to know our daughter is not forgotten and is missed by others. Thanks to those that ate cupcakes or something delicious in her memory. That makes me smile. And thanks for praying and loving us through this tough-filled week but also throughout the year as we continue to grieve.

-Heather

Oh and no balloon release after 1. The store I went to didn't have a plain pink balloon and 2. I read a post about how bad balloons were for the environment. Silly me, shouldn't google things I want to do.