Bloomers.

I love Eli. And I love having a boy. I wasn't expecting that. It makes me smile, the joy of this mama/son connection. The cars and action figures and sports and mud and other typical-boy stuff... I have a lot to learn, but I'm game.

But I still really miss girl stuff.

Honestly, it's still hard to see the girl section in stores. All those cute ruffles and no Maelee to buy them for. No Maelee to go shopping with me to pick out a new doll or new hair bow. No cute dresses or skirts to make, no pink monogram to make for her room. I still just sort of gaze past all that girl stuff (unless I'm getting to buy something for my nieces or as a gift). Like I almost feel guilty if I'm standing there or maybe I feel like people can sense "she doesn't belong here".

These feelings, these longings for my girl don't just happen in stores. They pop up with the most innocent of triggers. Last weekend the twins were wearing the cutest little bloomers. You know, those little diaper-cover underpants thingys that girls wear that match their cute dress? Sigh. I love those. It happened when I saw the little red-headed girl and her mother online and found myself wishing for the connection they have. When I think about how often Greg talks to his mom (not nearly enough) compared to how often his sister talks to his mom... no matter how great the kid, daughters just talk to their moms more than sons (typically). I can't help but wish for those conversations with Maelee when she needs a recipe. And then hope for a daughter to raise on earth someday. (I may never get that. I know. We could have a van-load of boys if I were to think having a girl was up to me. It's not and that's okay).

Maybe some of the things I dreamed about when I was pregnant, after we found out Maelee was a girl, maybe those four months of dreams are what I can't quite shake. Because they were real for us then, they are a little harder to let go than if I had never actually had a girl. Maybe that's what makes it a bit different when I see the cupcake pajamas now, not only am I wishing, I'm grieving, too.

So yes, sometimes it's hard to see little girls because I yearn for mine here on earth instead of in heaven. I don't know if jealous is exactly the right word. Maybe. But it's sort of hard to be jealous when you have an Eli smiling at you and patting you on the back (which he does often, adorable little pats as I'm holding him). I may not have my daughter, but I have my son. And I choose not to miss out on light saber duals or car races on the kitchen floor because I'm hoping for tea parties.

-Heather