Day In The Life.

Eli and I went to check out the YMCA today. I want a place to work out that has child care. The goal is for me to be healthy and for Eli to get some interaction with other humans besides his parents.

I mainly went to "inspect" the childcare area. This lady agreed to take us back there. As we were heading there, through a crowd, she asked the dreaded "Is this your only child?" I usually answer questions about the number of my children by acknowledging Maelee somehow... usually subtly but still there. Perhaps "our first is in heaven" or something like that. But today I knew she just meant "are you bringing just this one with you for childcare?" so I said "Yep." He's our only one.

It's really hard to do that, to move on from my firstborn. I know all baby loss moms are different in this regard, but for me, I always inwardly cringe if I don't identify Maelee. I know it may make people feel awkward and some situations make more sense to share than others ... but heck, a stillbirth is awkward and if I have to live with it every day, they can live with it for a few minutes.

My other soul-ache experience today happened with our UPS guy. He's a nice guy (maybe a little too nice). It's been awhile so when Eli and I answered the door he exclaimed how big he's gotten, the yooshzz (slang for usual, yo), and he asked "how old he is again?" After I said 16 months, he replied, "Oh yea, I remember, since my brother's kid was born the same week." I actually knew that already since he told me previously.

I told him Eli is in a really fun stage now, walking and keeping us busy. He replied "Well, not as busy as my brother! They have a TWO year old girl, too! Can you believe it! [looks at me like they are crazy] Now they are busy!"

Smile. Yes. Thank you. Have a great weekend.

Close door. Big sigh. I WISH I was as busy as his brother and wife, with a 16-month-old and a sweet two-year-old making my life a crazy busy mess.

Just another day in the life of a mom that doesn't have all her kids on earth.

-Heather