To One Four-Year-Old Sister.

Dear Big Sister,

Our mama put this new cupcake bib on me today. She told me it was my big sister's birthday. She also put me in this outfit that she bought for you, one of the first ones she bought when she knew you were a girl. I wear lots of your clothes, you know. I have really short legs. I wonder if you did, too. You know, you'll always be the firstborn but I bet we'll always think of you as the baby, even after I'm grown up (and hopefully taller).

We were supposed to have a nice family day but it hasn't turned out like Mom wanted. It's all chaotic and overwhelming, like much of life since I arrived! I have a cold so Mom and Dad have been up with me way too often at night. But did you know that in the wee hours this morning, Mom snuggled me extra long just because of you? That was nice. But you know, we can't really enjoy the cupcakes. Our brother just threw up allll over the basement, right after me and the parents came back from looking at a couple homes, none of which are a good fit to buy. Big bummer, right? Mom was sort of hoping we'd find a house to buy on your birthday. I just want my own room so I don't have to sleep in the storage closet or share with Mom and Dad. I sleep in the crib that was bought for you, you know. I guess your room was really spectacular. I don't mind using your stuff and Mom likes that there are lovely little reminders of you everywhere. I suppose that will lessen as I get older. And eventually there won't be any clothes for me to wear that were bought for you (though Mom is pretty sure she even bought up to size 4T for you, she really had a lot of time to shop four years ago).

I wish you were here for your fourth birthday so we could have a fun party and be chaotic and overwhelmed with you. I really wish I had my big sister here to enjoy. I love Eli so much and I just know I'd love you too. He loves to say good morning to me and sometimes he smooshes me a little. I bet you would have been kinder to me! And we could have been so close, us sisters.

I know that we are struggling in this not-perfect world but Mom says you aren't struggling at all. You are living it up in a place with no sadness or tears. I bet you just glow with joy in heaven, right there with the Perfect Peace Himself. And no sickness too! Mom thinks that sounds especially grand right now.

Maelee, I'm so bummed I don't get to grow up with you. But Mom is pretty sure I'll know about you and love you anyway. And I already think my favorite flower is a pink tulip.

Love you,

Little Sister Annalee