Tougher.

On April 6 

2010 - delivered Maelee

2011 - very pregnant with Eli

2012 - first time in two years NOT pregnant, with an almost one-year-old Eli

2013 - pregnant, not sure if baby was a girl or not

2014 - first time not in SC for her birthday, chaos with two sick kids not in our own home

2015 - again, not in SC, busy with two littles at home

2016 - pregnant with our second boy, crazy daycare woes and work drama

and tomorrow, 2017 - not pregnant (gladly!)

April 6, 2010 and three other years since, I was pregnant. That's a lot of babies. And it is a different feeling going through her birthday being pregnant. Somehow this year has been more reflective than the last few. It might be that I have more time at home, now that I'm not working. Or that the kids' ages are better for reflecting? Or that we are not battling sickness (praise praise be!). Whatever the case, I'm finding my heart pondering more and remembering seven years ago. I'm finding myself willingly holding Evan while napping this week, this will be the last birthday when I have a baby baby of ours to hold. Lots of feels going on here. No new insight or revelation. Continued understanding and thankfulness for how God has walked us through grief. Always, I am grateful for Maelee. Grateful that her life mattered. Always, I am missing her. I never feel quite complete as mom, as me, without her here. A piece of us is missing and that is okay.

Eli has a school music program tomorrow so our tradition of going out to eat and having cupcakes isn't quite happening (food at grandma and grandpa's (pink cupcakes!) and they'll watch the youngest two while we go to the program in the evening). We are planning to go to the happy place Friday/Saturday so we'll get to spend a few minutes at her grave. I'm looking forward to being with my favorite people and celebrating her with them, together. 

-Heather