Christmas Day!

Merry Christmas to you! We are in Minnesota enjoying looking out on a serious winter wonderland. During a very brief walk, I heard Greg say "I don't think I'm a North Dakotan anymore." Have we already lost our 25+ years of cold weather stamina? Yikes. We are doing okay our first Christmas without Maelee and our first Christmas with her brother. It's not easy. Certain moments feel like a slap in the face. But Christmas is a huge milestone and part of me is glad for it to be over... and part of me wants to scream and pout. We received our first outfit for the baby boy this morning... which is good since he's only going to get to wear a couple outfits of Maelee's! We were definitely ready for a baby girl. So much pink! And now we must gear up for a whole different world of colors. Whoa. -Heather

We miss you more than we can say today, baby girl.

Christmas Letter Debacle.

You may have noticed a lack of Grether Kasowski Christmas letter/photo in your mailbox. Don't worry, we haven't dropped you from our address book. We aren't doing one this year.

I just can't do it! Christmas letters are supposed to be full of happy times, fluffy reflections on the past year, newsy stuff that somehow defines who we were the past year. Last year I was dreaming about the colors and layout of our baby's first Christmas letter (yes, I'm one of those people that loves paper). And of course, our letter last year announced we were having a baby girl.

And this year, well, our little boy is getting the shaft in this Christmas card thing. Because as much as we are thrilled and anticipating his arrival the upcoming year... as much as we would love to write a letter announcing "it's a boy!"... what defines us more from 2010 is our daughter. And losing her is not a fluffy happy time. It's quite depressing. Who wants to read about our journey through grief when they open their mail? Bam!

So instead of sending out a Christmas letter to everyone and forcing all to encounter our not letter worthy year at the same time they get their new Real Simple and junk mail, instead I will say just read our blog when you are up to it. And thanks.

Christmas season allows us to reflect on the previous year. This year, we do with a heavy heart because we were forever changed by a beautiful baby. But Christmas isn't about the best Christmas letters, it's not about Maelee, it's not about us missing her this season, not about family. It's about Jesus.

I hope we all remember that each year. And next year, I'm really hoping that regardless of what 2011 brings, I'll be ready for a photo shoot and excited about paper and layouts and matching envelopes again.

-Heather

80 Years.

Happy 80th Birthday Grandpa Kasowski!

We love you and wish we could celebrate with you today!

-Greg and Heather

It's a...

BOY! A wonderful little brother to our daughter in heaven.

Our little guy behaved so wonderfully! He showed all the parts and moved around so nicely for us! We saw and heard a most excellent heartbeat (155). We saw him moving his little hands... how cool to see his little fingers almost waving! "Hey Mom and Dad... I know you're nervous but I'm doing well and loving life in here!" We are thrilled that everything looks great and normal and baby is measuring right at 18-19 weeks (since I'll be delivering early, we are at the half-way point for sure!).

And for all you naysayers, we for sure saw there-is-no-doubt-it's-a-boy parts.

So join us in thanking the Lord for a completely positive ultrasound today and for a healthy son thus far.

I'll post some ultrasound photos and maybe even some video of our little red-headed (taking a pretty certain guess there) boy Kasowski soon.

Snow.

Greg and I saw our first snow of the year yesterday. In HOTlanta of all places! HOTlanta is how we say Atlanta. It's really hot there. But not this week!

It's been colder than normal here in SC, but with no snow to show for it. So it was fun to see a few flakes on our drive yesterday. And when I say few, I mean, like 50. The most I saw was a tiny dusting. But enough to get me giddily excited. Snow is snow. I'll take it!

We went to Georgia to see our good friends from ND who are there adopting a beautiful baby girl. It was fun to see them for the day and hear all about their adoption process... and of course, to meet 'lil Ruby. Watch out Minot! She's adorable and she's coming home this week!

It's shaping up to be a solidly good week for us as well. I got to see Greg for lunch at a most wonderful place today. Tomorrow is Greg's last class and test for the semester (whew)! Most importantly, we are anticipating Thursday morning's appointment to see our little one and find out how things are progressing. And in less than 11 days we will be making snowmen in MN. Huge snowmen, too. Made with like 50 million snowflakes.

Ornaments.

We have entered into the holiday season. And we are already sensing how difficult this is going to be. Maelee should be here to celebrate with us. Eight months is a fun age, right? It would have been so pleasantly memorable with her here. And the outfits! Oh the outfits and bows and snowflakes. Baby's First Christmas everything. But especially tough for me was the ornament.

I have a Hallmark ornament for every year since I was born. And when we got married, the tradition kept going. We have Our First Christmas from 2005, New House 2007, and last year the cute preggo lady holding pickles and ice cream. So when I went to Hallmark this year to pick out our ornament, I should have known it wasn't going to be easy.

And I lost it. Totally lost it in the store. I tried not to look but I found this wonderful little first Christmas rattle that would have been perfect. Perfect. So then I tried looking at all the other ornaments to figure out what to get. I couldn't do it. I finally just gave up and left.

Hard stuff. I am filled to the brim with dreams of what Christmas was supposed to be for our family. The traditions, like our yearly ornament, that we would have kept. The new traditions we would have started like reading the Christmas story together, decorating the tree and talking about what the star on top means. Sigh. Someday, Lord willing, we will get to experience these dreams... but for now, it is a lonely month with just us (and baby inside).

Thankfully Greg and I are in this together. I am blessed with a husband that can grieve with me. So we went online together and picked out our ornament for the year. And Hallmark, thank you for having a perfectly fitting ornament for our family this year.

Here it is. The inscription says: Every life leaves something beautiful behind.

A lovely pearl. Oh daughter, how we love and miss you here with us this month.

And thanks to the Lord, for leaving us something truly beautiful: Hope.

Near this ornament is another one dear to us. A silver bell that reads "Christmas 2008" - the day our first baby was due (lost to ectopic pregnancy in April 2008). It's really the only item we have to remember that life by, so it's a treasure to put it up every year near the top of the tree. The top of our tree is becoming quite special.

-Heather