Just the Same.

I never got to hold you & bounce you on my lap,
I never got to read to you or watch you as you nap.
You slipped away so quickly, before I said your name.
And yet I want the world to know
I loved you just the same.
-Anne Peterson

Thanks to the Simons for sending us a gift to remember Maelee (with the above quote) and one for baby boy. Very sweet.

Some things that have been hard for me in my new normal life lately:

*arriving at Jazzercise this week and seeing two babies there (not typical) and the baby girl having the exact same car seat toys as Maelee

*seeing 4.6.11 as an expiration date on a bottle of water

*seeing a recent photo of a baby born a week before Maelee... leading me to the many, many questions of "what would she look like now?" and "what would she be doing now?" etc

*shopping for boy clothes at Once Upon A Child and seeing so many of Maelee's outfits there, having to consciously stop looking at girl clothes (it was such a fun habit for so long), trying to wrap my brain around boy clothes (sadly, the reality is they are just not as cute as girl clothes) and realizing how much this apparently matters to me

*having moments of complete panic when my husband innocently asks "have you felt the baby move today?"

*having to let go of 2010... which is "Maelee's year" and embracing 2011 and all that entails (most notably an upcoming baby boy!)

*being grateful when I realize I am in a completely awkward state of "is she pregnant or just a little plump?" and trying to find pants to fit accordingly

*realizing grieving (or any stressor) is harder when you don't feel well and therefore, don't sleep well (probably a main reason for some seriously hard past few days)

*being humbled by the fact that we are just a speck on this earth, a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes, and yet my speck of a life matters to God and to a lot of people, too

*realizing it's now been longer since we've been apart from Maelee (nine long months today) than the time that we had with her (in my belly)

-Heather

Our Time in MN.

It was tough, knowing Christmas was not supposed to be like it was. We were supposed to have the best Christmas ever, introducing our almost 9-month old girl to the cold winter Christmas, watching our family interact with our perfect little girl, taking some seriously cute photos in the snow... the list goes on and on. My family had an idea to light a candle every Christmas in memory of Maelee. So this is the candle we lit on Christmas... and will be lit every Christmas. It's pretty beautiful.

Highlight Reel

We met our niece, Ava Maelee Linn, for the first time. She's three months and looks a lot like her sister did at that age: adorable and chunky. We had a lot of fun playing and enjoying the antics of 4.5 year old Ali. We had a play day where she went out to eat with Auntie Heather and Uncle Greg and then we went to the Yogi Bear movie (don't see it, it's pretty bad). Much time was also spent with zhu zhu pet fight club, fancy nancy board game, candy land, etc. The house (yet to be colored) we got for her was most fun when Greg was setting it up... She especially enjoyed spending time with Super Mr. Uncle Greg. Some memorable one-liners include: Greg: "Who is your favorite soccer player?" Ali: "Myself." Ali: "Uncle Greg is funny." Greg: "Maybe I could be a comedian." Ali: "Na, but you could be a clown!" Ali and Ava were baptized on the 26th at their church and Greg and I, along with their other aunt and uncle, are their sponsors. What a sweet gift to be able to pray for them, love on them, and teach them about Jesus for many years to come. The Tysse family, minus Maelee. Ali's eyes are closed, but at least we actually got a group photo! Me with the girls. Big highlight was our few hours we had with Greg's parents and brother and our niece, Lilliana. It was great to see them even if it was too short. Lilli and Ali get along very well and had a blast swimming together. What cute red-headed girls! And of course, it was a winter wonderland! So even though we missed the snow in Columbia (I know, right?!) it was okay, because we had a lot of it in MN. Greg even tried digging out the fire pit... but alas, we did not end up utilizing the pit on New Years like we had planned. But we did get to spend a day with our good friend, Jaysen! It was a good, hard Christmas season. And now onto a New Year... Oh, and baby boy is doing well. Heart rate was a nice solid 145/146 today and all seems well! Loving this little guy so much already. -Heather

Christmas Day!

Merry Christmas to you! We are in Minnesota enjoying looking out on a serious winter wonderland. During a very brief walk, I heard Greg say "I don't think I'm a North Dakotan anymore." Have we already lost our 25+ years of cold weather stamina? Yikes. We are doing okay our first Christmas without Maelee and our first Christmas with her brother. It's not easy. Certain moments feel like a slap in the face. But Christmas is a huge milestone and part of me is glad for it to be over... and part of me wants to scream and pout. We received our first outfit for the baby boy this morning... which is good since he's only going to get to wear a couple outfits of Maelee's! We were definitely ready for a baby girl. So much pink! And now we must gear up for a whole different world of colors. Whoa. -Heather

We miss you more than we can say today, baby girl.

Christmas Letter Debacle.

You may have noticed a lack of Grether Kasowski Christmas letter/photo in your mailbox. Don't worry, we haven't dropped you from our address book. We aren't doing one this year.

I just can't do it! Christmas letters are supposed to be full of happy times, fluffy reflections on the past year, newsy stuff that somehow defines who we were the past year. Last year I was dreaming about the colors and layout of our baby's first Christmas letter (yes, I'm one of those people that loves paper). And of course, our letter last year announced we were having a baby girl.

And this year, well, our little boy is getting the shaft in this Christmas card thing. Because as much as we are thrilled and anticipating his arrival the upcoming year... as much as we would love to write a letter announcing "it's a boy!"... what defines us more from 2010 is our daughter. And losing her is not a fluffy happy time. It's quite depressing. Who wants to read about our journey through grief when they open their mail? Bam!

So instead of sending out a Christmas letter to everyone and forcing all to encounter our not letter worthy year at the same time they get their new Real Simple and junk mail, instead I will say just read our blog when you are up to it. And thanks.

Christmas season allows us to reflect on the previous year. This year, we do with a heavy heart because we were forever changed by a beautiful baby. But Christmas isn't about the best Christmas letters, it's not about Maelee, it's not about us missing her this season, not about family. It's about Jesus.

I hope we all remember that each year. And next year, I'm really hoping that regardless of what 2011 brings, I'll be ready for a photo shoot and excited about paper and layouts and matching envelopes again.

-Heather

80 Years.

Happy 80th Birthday Grandpa Kasowski!

We love you and wish we could celebrate with you today!

-Greg and Heather

It's a...

BOY! A wonderful little brother to our daughter in heaven.

Our little guy behaved so wonderfully! He showed all the parts and moved around so nicely for us! We saw and heard a most excellent heartbeat (155). We saw him moving his little hands... how cool to see his little fingers almost waving! "Hey Mom and Dad... I know you're nervous but I'm doing well and loving life in here!" We are thrilled that everything looks great and normal and baby is measuring right at 18-19 weeks (since I'll be delivering early, we are at the half-way point for sure!).

And for all you naysayers, we for sure saw there-is-no-doubt-it's-a-boy parts.

So join us in thanking the Lord for a completely positive ultrasound today and for a healthy son thus far.

I'll post some ultrasound photos and maybe even some video of our little red-headed (taking a pretty certain guess there) boy Kasowski soon.

Snow.

Greg and I saw our first snow of the year yesterday. In HOTlanta of all places! HOTlanta is how we say Atlanta. It's really hot there. But not this week!

It's been colder than normal here in SC, but with no snow to show for it. So it was fun to see a few flakes on our drive yesterday. And when I say few, I mean, like 50. The most I saw was a tiny dusting. But enough to get me giddily excited. Snow is snow. I'll take it!

We went to Georgia to see our good friends from ND who are there adopting a beautiful baby girl. It was fun to see them for the day and hear all about their adoption process... and of course, to meet 'lil Ruby. Watch out Minot! She's adorable and she's coming home this week!

It's shaping up to be a solidly good week for us as well. I got to see Greg for lunch at a most wonderful place today. Tomorrow is Greg's last class and test for the semester (whew)! Most importantly, we are anticipating Thursday morning's appointment to see our little one and find out how things are progressing. And in less than 11 days we will be making snowmen in MN. Huge snowmen, too. Made with like 50 million snowflakes.

Ornaments.

We have entered into the holiday season. And we are already sensing how difficult this is going to be. Maelee should be here to celebrate with us. Eight months is a fun age, right? It would have been so pleasantly memorable with her here. And the outfits! Oh the outfits and bows and snowflakes. Baby's First Christmas everything. But especially tough for me was the ornament.

I have a Hallmark ornament for every year since I was born. And when we got married, the tradition kept going. We have Our First Christmas from 2005, New House 2007, and last year the cute preggo lady holding pickles and ice cream. So when I went to Hallmark this year to pick out our ornament, I should have known it wasn't going to be easy.

And I lost it. Totally lost it in the store. I tried not to look but I found this wonderful little first Christmas rattle that would have been perfect. Perfect. So then I tried looking at all the other ornaments to figure out what to get. I couldn't do it. I finally just gave up and left.

Hard stuff. I am filled to the brim with dreams of what Christmas was supposed to be for our family. The traditions, like our yearly ornament, that we would have kept. The new traditions we would have started like reading the Christmas story together, decorating the tree and talking about what the star on top means. Sigh. Someday, Lord willing, we will get to experience these dreams... but for now, it is a lonely month with just us (and baby inside).

Thankfully Greg and I are in this together. I am blessed with a husband that can grieve with me. So we went online together and picked out our ornament for the year. And Hallmark, thank you for having a perfectly fitting ornament for our family this year.

Here it is. The inscription says: Every life leaves something beautiful behind.

A lovely pearl. Oh daughter, how we love and miss you here with us this month.

And thanks to the Lord, for leaving us something truly beautiful: Hope.

Near this ornament is another one dear to us. A silver bell that reads "Christmas 2008" - the day our first baby was due (lost to ectopic pregnancy in April 2008). It's really the only item we have to remember that life by, so it's a treasure to put it up every year near the top of the tree. The top of our tree is becoming quite special.

-Heather