No Bubble Here.

Many people are wondering how we do seeing kids, babies, pregnant people... here's how I feel (warning, I am being blatantly honest here):

It's very, very hard to see newborn babies. There is a lady in our support group that vowed she was never going to hold another baby until it was hers. I don't know if I'll be that severe, but for now, I know I can't handle seeing newborns for very long. A few weeks ago I glimpsed the head of a baby girl who was just a few days old at Kohls and I lost it a bit in the dressing room.

Any babies that were born around the time that Maelee was due are hard for us to see. It's just too raw and hard for us not to compare our emptiness. This, I assume, will get better with time. Though I have a feeling that even when our niece graduates high school and gets married both Greg and I will think "Maelee should be doing that..."

We do pretty good with kids. Especially ones we know (I guess that makes it easier). Random little girls can still cause a stab of pain. When I see outfits that we have for Maelee on another little girl, it's hard. I have yet to be out in public and see a cute little red-headed girl... I'm sure that will be painful when it happens.

We also do pretty good with pregnant bellies. Though the other day Greg said he saw someone the same build as me who had a big preggo belly and it was really hard for him.

It's often hard for me to talk about babies/kids (the topics moms talk about) because I feel like I have nothing to contribute, no similar experiences, no common bond. I feel like the junior high kid left out from the cool kids circle. And I don't want to be the Debby Downer in the conversation either, where people have to tip-toe around the grief-stricken lady.

It's also hard to see people mistreating children. That's just plain frustrating.

So that's what I can tell you. It's nothing that I can have a formula for or a pie chart of triggers. It is grief... it's going to be hard. Granted, it helps to have some idea what has been super painful for us so we can avoid 'til the pain isn't as intense. As much as I'd like to shield us from that pain, it's not going to happen.

Life is going on around us and we can't live in a bubble. Please don't worry about offending us, we'll step away, walk away if we can't handle it. We are glad for the life God's given around us... yet I know that my grief sort of clouds that gladness at times. I guess that's the selfishness of grief, revealing it's ugly head. My grief is not a ticket to become ugly (that is southern-speak for rude/unkind/nasty).

Thank you, friends and family, for loving us, loving me, through this when I'm probably not being as friendly, kind, loving, giving or helpful as I should be.

Ah grace. Sweet, unmerited grace.

-Heather