Dependent.

One day at a time.

That's how we are moving forward. Just one day at a time. This broken foot thing is so very, very humbling for me. It's hard to explain how difficult it is operating on one foot with a big 'ol belly on top of things. 

The thought of another month or more of this is overwhelming to say the least. Of course I want baby to get to stay in my belly so that she doesn't have to spend time in the NICU and I want to be able to walk holding her once she's here! But I want her here alive more than all that. And it's the not knowing, the waiting and surviving in the mean time that's the tough spot!

Simple things are insanely hard to do. I'm so very dependent on others and that is so very, very hard. So humbling. I wish I could walk, even just a little! There are many everyday tasks that I took for granted before and now I'm just longing to do again. Bringing the milk jug to the table, preparing a meal, putting laundry away, organizing things,  picking up that little piece of garbage on the floor, and pretty much lifting anything, most especially my darling son right after he naps. I have a certain way of doing things and now I just have to let it all go.

Perhaps it sounds good on paper/screen to say that someone else has to wait on you hand and foot but believe me, it doesn't feel good most of the time! It would be so much easier to do something myself versus having someone else do it. I want my shoe. Can someone go get me my shoe? I can't find my phone. Can someone find my phone please? I have a doctor's appointment at 9am. Who can get me and my roller aid there? I can barely get myself a cup of water without it being a production.

Probably the most complicated is taking a shower, oh my how I empathize with little old ladies. Since I have no boot on and can definitely not put any weight on my foot, I have to do it all with my foot up, somehow. I don't need to go into details but I always breathe a sigh of tiredness and relief when I'm done and dressed. I am so freaked out about falling. It's slippery and yet a necessity. I never want to take another normal shower for granted.

The roller aid is much more cumbersome than I had hoped. It's quite heavy, I can't lift it into the car or (obviously) carry it down the stairs so someone else always has to. It's bulky, I have gotten stuck in a corner of the bathroom a time or two. When in use, it puts all the pressure/weight on my good foot/hip/leg so I have a limit on how long I can be on it. But it's always right there with me and it's handy. It has a belly bag so I can stick stuff in there which is nice. It is not for stairs, however, so bonus points for all wheelchair ramps! For stairs, I go up/down using one crutch and putting as much weight on the crutch and railing. Stairs are really the only time I am "walking" on my boot, so I have to keep them to a minimum. We plan the day based around getting me and my roller-aid up/down the stairs. I can't believe that's my life right now!

I have good moments and bad, of course. It's easy to get overwhelmed and frustrated and wanting to have a pity party. I hate how much more work I am for Greg and his parents, even Eli. They are all so wonderful with lovely attitudes about this all, continually encouraging me and not making me feel like the burden I am. So my woe-is-me attitude is all on me, I just wish I could hold my own for awhile. (And for the record, if my in-laws ever need in-home care, pretty sure we'll be welcoming them into our home as pay back!).

I know we'll look back and laugh at this insanely crazy time. Hopefully down the road we'll really be able to see reason and purpose in some of it (and even if we don't, that's okay). I know that God is teaching me about trusting Him and being dependent on Him and others, instead of my prideful self. Letting go of my way is hard but good. I wouldn't say I'm learning joyfully as I ought to, but I am learning. Plus I know I'm gaining empathy and love for others that deal with obstacles like this.

Greg mentioned something that has stuck with me. How we as a culture often look down on those in society that don't offer anything, those that are incapable of being independent. The special needs, disabled, handicapped ones. We think less of them because they are dependent on others. And as I have been given this opportunity to be mostly dependent on others, I am shown how this attitude is even in my heart. They do not deserve this attitude, this looking down because they can't offer me anything. We shouldn't love people only if they can give us something.

-Heather