(Just found this draft in my list, didn't realize it didn't post that first week in March).
By some crazy miracle, this last week's weather here has been glorious. I saw 70 degrees on my van temp gauge two days ago. It may not have been that warm, but 40's, 50's, 60's... it's all so welcomed and enjoyed. Going outside does not hurt to breathe. You can wear a light jacket or no coat at all. Even boots are being tossed aside for a shoe worn with no socks. It's just wonderful to feel and smell spring like it really should be.
And all this awesome weather that we normally don't get here has spurred something deep in me because, you know, it's her season. Five years ago the weather was spring in it's finest, daffodils bursting, pollen full-on assaulting our lives in South Carolina. Normally we wouldn't have that type of spring weather here in March that could remind me of little moments five years ago. Those days where we started the end of our time with her, the bed rest, the concern, the anticipation, the monitoring all for naught.
It being five years also leads me to stop and think on it. Another year. Another milestone. Five is a big one. She would be entering kindergarten in the fall. It would have been a big year for her. I can dream and grieve all of this. That's okay.
I can also say with all my being that she is still worth the suffering. I am so grateful I had her, even if I didn't get to bring her home. I am not the One who gives and takes away. And I am so very thankful for all that I know because of her loss, because of this suffering and our tragedy. It is not for nothing. Life is messy. Life is weird. Life is a ball full of "what the..." and hard to understand events. Going through deep pain brings a realness to life and a bit of a fast forward pass in understanding some truths. Thank the Lord for all of this, the good in death and pain.