My previous "going to be a quick parenting post" turned rant had me thinking I could come across prideful in my parenting style. My main idea was to write down what has worked and may continue to do so! Let me say that I am full of parenting fails as I'm continually being humbled and shaped while I'm exhausted and at my witt's end much of each day.
One major fail happened in the last weeks. Sometime in January or February, Eli was complaining about his coat zipper. Getting him ready in the mornings is an act of God. He is pokey (and after parent/teacher conferences where Eli got glowing marks except the lone constructive criticism "Eli is the pokiest of pokes" we now know it's not just at home!). So anything to make him take longer and just not get it done wears at my patience. He whined for days "This is not my coat! My zipper is black. This is not my zipper." And I kept saying "This is too your coat! Just get it on! Hurry up!!" - quite a few days I recall this conversation and I did make sure it looked like his coat but I didn't think to look for the name I had written last fall.
Fast forward to last week when I get a text from a family at church with a photo of Eli's coat and "Eli K" clearly written in the inside. He was RIGHT! The coat he had been wearing had a neon zipper (but same otherwise). We made the switch and Eli's zipper is indeed black.
So good lessons for this mom with this story. I'm not always right. I need to listen better.
-Black Zipper Kid Mom
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Monday, March 13, 2017
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Parenting Style.
Concerning life help information, I'm not an avid reader of books or listener of podcasts or online reader/watcher/liker. I should be better at it. Truly. For me... it's hard to absorb good teaching if I have way too much coming at me. Call me simple or lazy, just stating that's how it is in my life at this moment. Give me some Bible and some hunks of awesome teaching but I'm unable to take loads of teaching from a variety of sources in a variety of mediums without just breaking down in overwhelmed land. It is not enjoyable for me but I aim to change and someday love absorbing loads of good. Disclaimer: I do love that my husband loves this and daily reads, listens, ponders, and absorbs such a wide variety of content in a variety of mediums and I get to glean just the tip of the iceberg of that sometimes.
That said, give me some highlight reel from someone I know isn't theologically cray cray, someone I know and respect, or someone that's life has proven to be done well ions ago or recently. Then let me live it. Because if you absorb all that info and it doesn't change any aspect of you or how you live your life, then it's nothing.
I say all this to say I haven't read a parenting book in full. Pretty sure I haven't anyway. Greg has (all the hallelujah hands here). So I can sort of say that our parenting style comes from some of that knowledge probably. And some from our own superb parents. But the rest of our "style" comes from the grace of God and some trial and error and experience and hope.
And now I'm going to attempt to record parenting insights while I'm in the thick of parenting these three tiny ones. Partially so I can laugh my arse off at myself in twenty years when they are out being adults. I was never really into kids (I was a TERRIBLE babysitter) so me mothering these is all a bit hilariousness. In no real order...
- STRICT and FUN. This is how I described my parenting style to Greg last week.
- I want our kids to respect AUTHORITY. Because we are under the authority of God and they are under our authority. That means when I say their name or tell them "no" or ask them to do something, I expect a response. And quickly-ish. Consistently. But not for outrageous requests on my part beacuse they are kids. But for sure for doing something like "get your snowpants on". Sometimes I am not reasonable and I have to realize my expectations are whack and I hope to just nag when it's truly needed. Early our kids learn they need to listen to authority for small things and big things.
- Parenting is HARD to do well. We do not have the luxury of doing our own thing (for very long) anymore. It's active work. Active. Engaging them. Not just being on my blasted phone or checked out for too long. Much of hobbies and fun and relax doesn't happen like pre-kid Heather enjoyed. So don't pretend parenting won't change you.
- I read an article on SELF-CONTROL being a skill to teach kids and that clicked in my brain. With Eli I can totally see the importance of teaching him how to control his little self. Work in progress here but worth mentioning that I hope to help guide in this.
- SCREENS. I really only want them as a treat. Not as a daily expectation. Kids need to be bored and know how to be bored, to entertain themselves. We go in waves here but overall, our kids are not used to them. Plus they get nightmares easily.
- ANIMATED. I'm animated. They see me living life fully, and hopefully as they get older and see the mundane, American, midwestern, homemaking life I lead and that I'm joyful IN IT, they will know I love life. When I read books I want to be like Greg and be into it. Stories, voices, emotion, goofy.
- FOOD. Way too much sugar. We are guilty of it but thankfully, aren't out of control with candy, soda, and major sugar bombs. Our issues mostly lie with sugar in stuff (ie, our insane amount of processed cereal each morning)! Kids don't need to eat all the time either. So we have a breakfast, 10am snack, lunch, 3pm snack, supper and not dessert every night (which after vacation is crazy hard). Snack times are approximate but lately I'm feeling having a set time works well. Annalee can't whine for a snack at 9am and I give in. Nope, not snack time. Sometimes it'll happen earlier or more often, too, but general guideline helps me.
- They don't get to carry food around the house. Or drinks. Graduate to a real cup sooner rather than later and just don't let them carry a sippy cup. I remind them to drink if I need to but mostly they will just go take a drink or two of water and set the cup back down on the counter and go about their day. My hope as I'm typing this is they learn to "eat to live" instead of needing food or drink at their disposal constantly. Sadly enough, kids, I tend to snack WAY more than you. When you are healthy adults, you'll thank me.
- No drinks late at night. Unless sick or other issue, fluid them up during the day so they don't get used to drinking a crapload before bed or during nighttime. No bedtime cups.
- CONSISTENCY. Oh man this is key. Don't expect them to act a certain way if I'm not consistent in the response. If you give them an inch, they will often take a whole flippin' mile. YET, yet! there is so much GRACE in parenting. Both ways. Sometimes surprise them with grace and let them know it. I need to get better at apologizing to them for my fails and letting them see that process in me, too.
- Be more stubborn. It took me 20 minutes to make Annalee apologize yesterday. I could have given in earlier. But damn it, I'm going to be more stubborn than her. I would have loved to not be doing that for the last twenty minutes. Greg tells her often "You will not win. I am more stubborn than you!" And he is!
- Communicate. We are realists. And we try to keep them informed. Try to help them see other viewpoints. Tell them why I'm asking a, b, or c. I started saying to them when disciplining or requiring of them "in the greg and heather kasowski family, we ____" so they know that we are doing this (and why), but that not everyone does it our way, believes what we do, etc.
- Responsibility. They can often do for themselves what we do for them. We totally dressed Eli way longer than we needed to because his personality lends to being lazy (as does his moms). But they need some sort of responsibility in life. And they may need help (often) to remind them of what they are doing or grace to give them a crazy long time to get 'er done. But make them do it! Eli never zipped his own coat until his teacher told the whole class she would NOT do it after Christmas. And she got that whole darn class of 5-6 year olds zipping their own coats. Love it.
- FUN. I want to have an insane amount of fun with my kids. Impromtu dancing. Joking. Games, Dirt, Sugar. They see me being goofy, see us laughing at ourselves, see us being honest with them and making good out of our day-to-day. Greg is amazing at not coming home from work to sit and veg. He's engaged with them when he gets in the door. He's chasing and hiding and wrestling. I try get down on the floor with them, play or color or watch WITH them. Since I'm home most all the time now, I obviously still need to get things done so this isn't all the time but I want to find joy in being with them. I also want our home to be the place their friends want to come.
- BEDTIME. Best thing us light sleeper parents did was never have the kids sleep in our bed (honestly we wouldn't be able to sleep well with a kid next to us). 8:00 give or take. You are in there and this is it and sometimes it'll take a bit longer but rarely ever over 30 minutes and rarely having to go in there numerous times. THIS IS OUR TIME without you littles. Go the... you know. We COVET this time for us so much. It is hard work when you are dealing with naps as they grow, time changes, sickness, patterns, etc etc but the hard work pays off later when you can have the bedtime routine done, say goodnight and close the door. No kids coming in/out of their room for the next hours, no waking up to a kid in your bed. I'm not sure who told us to work at this but thank you. I love you. I also must say I think sleep is really really really good for kids to grow. I also must say kids are different. Eli needs more sleep than Annalee. He took naps even last summer at five! She's mostly done with naps at 3 and a half. We shall see what Evan, our kid-that-has-to-be-flexible-because-he's-the-youngest, will end up like.
- Manners. I'm not southern awesome and making them say "Miss or Mister" in front of friends' names (sometimes I do though and love it) but they should know how to respect others and how to just be proper. Sometimes I nag Eli and tell him I'm teaching him to be proper. It's not like it's a deal breaker but it's important to me.
- Gratefulness. Along the same lines, we want them to be grateful for the abundance they have. Sometimes at bedtime prayers I make them "thank God for at least ONE thing about/in your day". Simple but effective.
- Greg prays for our kids to have a tender conscious. Such a good hope.
- We tell our kids the most important decision they'll make is who their friends are. We deeply hope they make good choices. Such influence.
- No secrets. We don't have secrets in our family. Just surprises. Nothing hidden. No ugly closet weights to carry. Nothing from friends they shouldn't have to bear alone.
I feel like our HIGH expectations and our strict nature could lead to legalism and resentful kids except that we are also able to be joyful and laugh our bums off and get down to their level often enough to show them our deep love for them. They feel safe and loved.
Struggles we have currently is curbing whining and a sense of entitlement with them, helping them to develop intellectual and emotional empathy and maturity, with Eli for sure dealing with influence from school.
Okay, this was good reflection and processing and motivation for me. Excited to have this down so I can read it and laugh, smile or face palm later.
-Heather
That said, give me some highlight reel from someone I know isn't theologically cray cray, someone I know and respect, or someone that's life has proven to be done well ions ago or recently. Then let me live it. Because if you absorb all that info and it doesn't change any aspect of you or how you live your life, then it's nothing.
I say all this to say I haven't read a parenting book in full. Pretty sure I haven't anyway. Greg has (all the hallelujah hands here). So I can sort of say that our parenting style comes from some of that knowledge probably. And some from our own superb parents. But the rest of our "style" comes from the grace of God and some trial and error and experience and hope.
And now I'm going to attempt to record parenting insights while I'm in the thick of parenting these three tiny ones. Partially so I can laugh my arse off at myself in twenty years when they are out being adults. I was never really into kids (I was a TERRIBLE babysitter) so me mothering these is all a bit hilariousness. In no real order...
- STRICT and FUN. This is how I described my parenting style to Greg last week.
- I want our kids to respect AUTHORITY. Because we are under the authority of God and they are under our authority. That means when I say their name or tell them "no" or ask them to do something, I expect a response. And quickly-ish. Consistently. But not for outrageous requests on my part beacuse they are kids. But for sure for doing something like "get your snowpants on". Sometimes I am not reasonable and I have to realize my expectations are whack and I hope to just nag when it's truly needed. Early our kids learn they need to listen to authority for small things and big things.
- Parenting is HARD to do well. We do not have the luxury of doing our own thing (for very long) anymore. It's active work. Active. Engaging them. Not just being on my blasted phone or checked out for too long. Much of hobbies and fun and relax doesn't happen like pre-kid Heather enjoyed. So don't pretend parenting won't change you.
- I read an article on SELF-CONTROL being a skill to teach kids and that clicked in my brain. With Eli I can totally see the importance of teaching him how to control his little self. Work in progress here but worth mentioning that I hope to help guide in this.
- SCREENS. I really only want them as a treat. Not as a daily expectation. Kids need to be bored and know how to be bored, to entertain themselves. We go in waves here but overall, our kids are not used to them. Plus they get nightmares easily.
- ANIMATED. I'm animated. They see me living life fully, and hopefully as they get older and see the mundane, American, midwestern, homemaking life I lead and that I'm joyful IN IT, they will know I love life. When I read books I want to be like Greg and be into it. Stories, voices, emotion, goofy.
- FOOD. Way too much sugar. We are guilty of it but thankfully, aren't out of control with candy, soda, and major sugar bombs. Our issues mostly lie with sugar in stuff (ie, our insane amount of processed cereal each morning)! Kids don't need to eat all the time either. So we have a breakfast, 10am snack, lunch, 3pm snack, supper and not dessert every night (which after vacation is crazy hard). Snack times are approximate but lately I'm feeling having a set time works well. Annalee can't whine for a snack at 9am and I give in. Nope, not snack time. Sometimes it'll happen earlier or more often, too, but general guideline helps me.
- They don't get to carry food around the house. Or drinks. Graduate to a real cup sooner rather than later and just don't let them carry a sippy cup. I remind them to drink if I need to but mostly they will just go take a drink or two of water and set the cup back down on the counter and go about their day. My hope as I'm typing this is they learn to "eat to live" instead of needing food or drink at their disposal constantly. Sadly enough, kids, I tend to snack WAY more than you. When you are healthy adults, you'll thank me.
- No drinks late at night. Unless sick or other issue, fluid them up during the day so they don't get used to drinking a crapload before bed or during nighttime. No bedtime cups.
- CONSISTENCY. Oh man this is key. Don't expect them to act a certain way if I'm not consistent in the response. If you give them an inch, they will often take a whole flippin' mile. YET, yet! there is so much GRACE in parenting. Both ways. Sometimes surprise them with grace and let them know it. I need to get better at apologizing to them for my fails and letting them see that process in me, too.
- Be more stubborn. It took me 20 minutes to make Annalee apologize yesterday. I could have given in earlier. But damn it, I'm going to be more stubborn than her. I would have loved to not be doing that for the last twenty minutes. Greg tells her often "You will not win. I am more stubborn than you!" And he is!
- Communicate. We are realists. And we try to keep them informed. Try to help them see other viewpoints. Tell them why I'm asking a, b, or c. I started saying to them when disciplining or requiring of them "in the greg and heather kasowski family, we ____" so they know that we are doing this (and why), but that not everyone does it our way, believes what we do, etc.
- Responsibility. They can often do for themselves what we do for them. We totally dressed Eli way longer than we needed to because his personality lends to being lazy (as does his moms). But they need some sort of responsibility in life. And they may need help (often) to remind them of what they are doing or grace to give them a crazy long time to get 'er done. But make them do it! Eli never zipped his own coat until his teacher told the whole class she would NOT do it after Christmas. And she got that whole darn class of 5-6 year olds zipping their own coats. Love it.
- FUN. I want to have an insane amount of fun with my kids. Impromtu dancing. Joking. Games, Dirt, Sugar. They see me being goofy, see us laughing at ourselves, see us being honest with them and making good out of our day-to-day. Greg is amazing at not coming home from work to sit and veg. He's engaged with them when he gets in the door. He's chasing and hiding and wrestling. I try get down on the floor with them, play or color or watch WITH them. Since I'm home most all the time now, I obviously still need to get things done so this isn't all the time but I want to find joy in being with them. I also want our home to be the place their friends want to come.
- BEDTIME. Best thing us light sleeper parents did was never have the kids sleep in our bed (honestly we wouldn't be able to sleep well with a kid next to us). 8:00 give or take. You are in there and this is it and sometimes it'll take a bit longer but rarely ever over 30 minutes and rarely having to go in there numerous times. THIS IS OUR TIME without you littles. Go the... you know. We COVET this time for us so much. It is hard work when you are dealing with naps as they grow, time changes, sickness, patterns, etc etc but the hard work pays off later when you can have the bedtime routine done, say goodnight and close the door. No kids coming in/out of their room for the next hours, no waking up to a kid in your bed. I'm not sure who told us to work at this but thank you. I love you. I also must say I think sleep is really really really good for kids to grow. I also must say kids are different. Eli needs more sleep than Annalee. He took naps even last summer at five! She's mostly done with naps at 3 and a half. We shall see what Evan, our kid-that-has-to-be-flexible-because-he's-the-youngest, will end up like.
- Manners. I'm not southern awesome and making them say "Miss or Mister" in front of friends' names (sometimes I do though and love it) but they should know how to respect others and how to just be proper. Sometimes I nag Eli and tell him I'm teaching him to be proper. It's not like it's a deal breaker but it's important to me.
- Gratefulness. Along the same lines, we want them to be grateful for the abundance they have. Sometimes at bedtime prayers I make them "thank God for at least ONE thing about/in your day". Simple but effective.
- Greg prays for our kids to have a tender conscious. Such a good hope.
- We tell our kids the most important decision they'll make is who their friends are. We deeply hope they make good choices. Such influence.
- No secrets. We don't have secrets in our family. Just surprises. Nothing hidden. No ugly closet weights to carry. Nothing from friends they shouldn't have to bear alone.
I feel like our HIGH expectations and our strict nature could lead to legalism and resentful kids except that we are also able to be joyful and laugh our bums off and get down to their level often enough to show them our deep love for them. They feel safe and loved.
Struggles we have currently is curbing whining and a sense of entitlement with them, helping them to develop intellectual and emotional empathy and maturity, with Eli for sure dealing with influence from school.
Okay, this was good reflection and processing and motivation for me. Excited to have this down so I can read it and laugh, smile or face palm later.
-Heather
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Glamour.
Pre-kids Heather had no idea. Oh she thought she might. As she got older she really hoped to have an idea. But she was clueless. She had no idea what parenting was like. Such love and joy for these little beings. But also a very overwhelming sense of responsibility. Babies cannot do anything themselves. And you are responsible 24/7. And it's exhausting.
I want years down the road Heather to remember this stage. I know I'll forget. Just like the lady at Target yesterday who saw these cuties and said "oh! I wish mine were that age again!" and I immediately responded with "oh, but I bet you don't miss not sleeping!" to which she said "yes, that's right, thanks for telling me that!"
So here, future Heather, is why you are gratefully content knowing this will not last.
Evan is up usually two times a night. He's got some sort of nighttime congestion (allergies? my bad nose genes?) so he needs to be upright to help his nose drain a bit, especially if we let him cry. I usually just feed him because then he goes back to sleep (after weeks of crying it out and no change, this is what it is). Like the others, he'll probably be close to one before he is a good sleeper. I AM EXHAUSTED. Last night he was up three times, Annalee screaming once. I just want to sleep through the night again. I know it'll happen and I'm anxious.
My body is older. Still young! Yes! But the lack of sleep is catching up on me and I can just feel a shift change as I get closer to middle-age and farther from young me. My back gives out on me when I'm lugging this 21 pound cutie around and plopping him down into his crib. If I exercised and stretched daily I'm sure this would lessen. But see previous point. I'm not sleeping well. And I've never been a routine exerciser so I'm realistic enough to know that's not going to start until I'm actually sleeping again. Plus add to that I've noticed a migraine trigger is not enough sleep so at this point, I'm taking an hour of sleep over exercise. And the gray hair, holy moly.
I wiped poop six times yesterday. So many butts.
So much laundry. Our kids wear clean jammies every night (stemming from them eating breakfast in them and usually spilling) but I'm starting to realize how much jim-jams are taking over.
The older ones have some independence but Evan is still fully, totally dependent on me. That's nice until it's not. I kept Evan quiet to not wake the others for over 30 minutes this morning. Then I gave up and wanted to shower. I have a handful of toys on the bathroom floor. Evan crawled into my shower, folks. I love this boy but I would like to shower in peace.
I'd like to finish this, but Annalee just crawled up to me and said "Mommy, can you play with me?"
Okay, back to finish.
Another aspect of this I didn't quite anticipate is always being in a rush whenever I'm not with the kids. Always. If I am actually at the store by myself, I'm rushing to get done so I can relieve whoever may be watching the kids. Even if it's Greg, I'm still in a rush. I think as pre-parents, you don't realize that you don't get a single moment to yourself while you have a kiddo in the baby stage. Someone is always going to be responsible for them.
This is a big reason I miss my part-time job. It was a nice break to know you are paying someone to be that for you. And the kids are good with it because it's a normal for them. The stay-at-home bit is tough. Your house is dirtier because you are in it all day. You are cooking meals for everyone more. It's easier on many levels, of course, but as far as feeling overwhelmed with kids, it takes the cake. I do miss my part-time "best of both worlds" life, I miss having work to think on, adults to converse with, and being in a realm I'm really good with (work). I am trusting God to help me with this staying-at-home bit because in my own strength, I'm not fantastic with it. I never grew up thinking this would be my life. That doesn't mean I'm not embracing it. It's hard
Today my old coworkers are going out to lunch but the littles and I have been out and about the last few days and Evan needs a good, loooong nap in hopes to jump start his night (sleep begets sleep) so I can't go. Lunch here instead.
Sweeping the floor, all the time. The only reason I'd like a dog.
Replacing the couch cushions, all the time.
Trying not to be a control freak with the kids. Case in point: Eli's school is doing a PB&J drive. I had a jar of yummy blackberry jelly to donate. I thought about bagging it but figured Eli would only be in possession of it for five minutes from getting out of the van, to playground line up, to classroom. Surely it'd be fine. Nope. Mrs. Vollmers "the jelly did not make it to school safely. I think we got it all cleaned up" Mom fail! You try not type A everything but then...
I want years down the road Heather to remember this stage. I know I'll forget. Just like the lady at Target yesterday who saw these cuties and said "oh! I wish mine were that age again!" and I immediately responded with "oh, but I bet you don't miss not sleeping!" to which she said "yes, that's right, thanks for telling me that!"
So here, future Heather, is why you are gratefully content knowing this will not last.
Evan is up usually two times a night. He's got some sort of nighttime congestion (allergies? my bad nose genes?) so he needs to be upright to help his nose drain a bit, especially if we let him cry. I usually just feed him because then he goes back to sleep (after weeks of crying it out and no change, this is what it is). Like the others, he'll probably be close to one before he is a good sleeper. I AM EXHAUSTED. Last night he was up three times, Annalee screaming once. I just want to sleep through the night again. I know it'll happen and I'm anxious.
My body is older. Still young! Yes! But the lack of sleep is catching up on me and I can just feel a shift change as I get closer to middle-age and farther from young me. My back gives out on me when I'm lugging this 21 pound cutie around and plopping him down into his crib. If I exercised and stretched daily I'm sure this would lessen. But see previous point. I'm not sleeping well. And I've never been a routine exerciser so I'm realistic enough to know that's not going to start until I'm actually sleeping again. Plus add to that I've noticed a migraine trigger is not enough sleep so at this point, I'm taking an hour of sleep over exercise. And the gray hair, holy moly.
I wiped poop six times yesterday. So many butts.
So much laundry. Our kids wear clean jammies every night (stemming from them eating breakfast in them and usually spilling) but I'm starting to realize how much jim-jams are taking over.
The older ones have some independence but Evan is still fully, totally dependent on me. That's nice until it's not. I kept Evan quiet to not wake the others for over 30 minutes this morning. Then I gave up and wanted to shower. I have a handful of toys on the bathroom floor. Evan crawled into my shower, folks. I love this boy but I would like to shower in peace.
I'd like to finish this, but Annalee just crawled up to me and said "Mommy, can you play with me?"
Okay, back to finish.
Another aspect of this I didn't quite anticipate is always being in a rush whenever I'm not with the kids. Always. If I am actually at the store by myself, I'm rushing to get done so I can relieve whoever may be watching the kids. Even if it's Greg, I'm still in a rush. I think as pre-parents, you don't realize that you don't get a single moment to yourself while you have a kiddo in the baby stage. Someone is always going to be responsible for them.
This is a big reason I miss my part-time job. It was a nice break to know you are paying someone to be that for you. And the kids are good with it because it's a normal for them. The stay-at-home bit is tough. Your house is dirtier because you are in it all day. You are cooking meals for everyone more. It's easier on many levels, of course, but as far as feeling overwhelmed with kids, it takes the cake. I do miss my part-time "best of both worlds" life, I miss having work to think on, adults to converse with, and being in a realm I'm really good with (work). I am trusting God to help me with this staying-at-home bit because in my own strength, I'm not fantastic with it. I never grew up thinking this would be my life. That doesn't mean I'm not embracing it. It's hard
Today my old coworkers are going out to lunch but the littles and I have been out and about the last few days and Evan needs a good, loooong nap in hopes to jump start his night (sleep begets sleep) so I can't go. Lunch here instead.
Sweeping the floor, all the time. The only reason I'd like a dog.
Replacing the couch cushions, all the time.
Trying not to be a control freak with the kids. Case in point: Eli's school is doing a PB&J drive. I had a jar of yummy blackberry jelly to donate. I thought about bagging it but figured Eli would only be in possession of it for five minutes from getting out of the van, to playground line up, to classroom. Surely it'd be fine. Nope. Mrs. Vollmers "the jelly did not make it to school safely. I think we got it all cleaned up" Mom fail! You try not type A everything but then...
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Two.
I am grateful for my two living kiddos, that they have each other. They are fairly close in age though gender will probably not make them insanely close (brothers and sisters are rarely as close as sisters and sisters or bros and bros, if I had to assume). But I hope they will love each other hard and be one of each other's biggest fans. May she help him to dress for a date and may he always give the nod to her boyfriend choices. And for now may he teach her the how to's and may she teach him patience!
-Their Mom
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Someone Special.
Greg is an Ah-Mazing Daddy. Such a gift to me and to our kids. And what a joy to get to see him parent this boy.
I got to talk to my dad on the phone tonight, too. Such a great daddy to this girl, I always always always knew I was loved. And I married a stellar guy who came from a solidly awesome dad. Eli has some great men figures in his heritage. Thank you Lord!
-Heather
 |
| From first wake up on, Daddy can be counted on for fun. |
 |
| And all around silliness. |
 |
| We went frisbee golfing today. This shot makes it look like Eli actually knows what he is doing. |
 |
| And instead of walking around in the grass path, he lets Eli walk right through this little rocky, super muddy path. |
 | ||
| But that's what good dads do! |
-Heather
Friday, August 24, 2012
Hidden.
A blog post that Greg started after Maelee died was titled "the hidden hurts of miscarriage and infertility." The post never got published when Greg wrote in on May 2, 2010 because I didn't let him post it. Apparently I wasn't a fan of something about it ... yet I still remember the title quite vividly. The post discussed how it was almost "easier" to have a stillbirth in the sense that we could not hide our loss. It was obvious. That isn't the case with early loss. And it's not the case with infertility, either.
Obviously since I've been pregnant three times, this is not a post about my personal experiences with infertility. This is more a post about being aware of and being compassionate to those dealing with infertility. It's a nasty thing.
A friend of a friend that battled infertility for many years once said that in the midst of it all, she wished she could have a miscarriage. What?! I thought that was so bizarre. But she said that if she had a miscarriage, that means she actually got to be pregnant. That her body would allow her to be pregnant ... and that was what she wanted so, so badly.
And somehow I understood a little bit more.
There are many women that would wish more than anything to be pregnant. Month after month they are disappointed/crushed/devastated. And they go on facebook or just out their front door and they are bombarded with pregnant bellies or sweet kiddo photos (see my many posts below) or complete families and their happiness. The wanting what you do not have, wondering if you will ever, perhaps knowing you will not ... so many emotions, questions and unknowns. Hidden.
And it has to be so hard. Really hard. I want to be aware of that. For the people I know of that are living life with infertility and even for the people I don't know, I want to acknowledge their struggle and stand with them in their pain and loss and whatever plan they may or may not have.
For me, I want always to be grateful for the chances I've had to be pregnant. Even the losses, as hard as it is to say.
Of course I want to fix it for my friends dealing with infertility or secondary infertility. I wish I could fix it. I can't. I can weep sorrowful tears with them. To pray for a miracle with them. I want to remind myself that because I have children, I cannot fully enter into this with them. I can have sympathy but not empathy. I will not fully get it but I will try.
Perhaps I just want to say, as someone who has been so loud in her grieving, I'm sorry if you have had to grieve in hiding.
-Heather
I'll go ahead and post what Greg had written over two years ago in case you care to read it. He understood, much sooner than I, about how openly we were forced to grieve compared to those dealing with these more secret baby woes:
Obviously since I've been pregnant three times, this is not a post about my personal experiences with infertility. This is more a post about being aware of and being compassionate to those dealing with infertility. It's a nasty thing.
A friend of a friend that battled infertility for many years once said that in the midst of it all, she wished she could have a miscarriage. What?! I thought that was so bizarre. But she said that if she had a miscarriage, that means she actually got to be pregnant. That her body would allow her to be pregnant ... and that was what she wanted so, so badly.
And somehow I understood a little bit more.
There are many women that would wish more than anything to be pregnant. Month after month they are disappointed/crushed/devastated. And they go on facebook or just out their front door and they are bombarded with pregnant bellies or sweet kiddo photos (see my many posts below) or complete families and their happiness. The wanting what you do not have, wondering if you will ever, perhaps knowing you will not ... so many emotions, questions and unknowns. Hidden.
And it has to be so hard. Really hard. I want to be aware of that. For the people I know of that are living life with infertility and even for the people I don't know, I want to acknowledge their struggle and stand with them in their pain and loss and whatever plan they may or may not have.
For me, I want always to be grateful for the chances I've had to be pregnant. Even the losses, as hard as it is to say.
Of course I want to fix it for my friends dealing with infertility or secondary infertility. I wish I could fix it. I can't. I can weep sorrowful tears with them. To pray for a miracle with them. I want to remind myself that because I have children, I cannot fully enter into this with them. I can have sympathy but not empathy. I will not fully get it but I will try.
Perhaps I just want to say, as someone who has been so loud in her grieving, I'm sorry if you have had to grieve in hiding.
-Heather
I'll go ahead and post what Greg had written over two years ago in case you care to read it. He understood, much sooner than I, about how openly we were forced to grieve compared to those dealing with these more secret baby woes:
I've been thinking a lot about problems in child bearing. For Heather and I, our hurt is not masked cowering in a corner. We're pretty much wearing our emotions on our sleeves. We're not putting on some happy-go-lucky face all the time.
All our friends, family, neighbors and acquaintances know about Maelee. There's no hiding the fact that Heather once had a big belly, and now she doesn't. And people don't see us walking around with an overflowing diaper bag and car seat. Everybody knows.But there's this whole other group of people who have to hide their hurt. People who live with infertility and miscarriages.People who've had numerous miscarriages ... they don't tell anyone they're pregnant for the fifth time because it takes so much emotional energy to explain the failures every time. They may have done it the first time and then just gave up after that. Every time it happens, they feel like giving up on life. But they still go back to work on Monday. They still hang out with people like normal. And only a handful of people really know what's going on.People who've been trying to have kids for years and years ... maybe they've given up. Maybe they're still trying years later. Every month stings. They probably live with a twinge of sorrow every time they see kids in restaurants, wondering if it will ever happen.I'm not trying to compare pains. Who cares who has more hurt. I guess I'm just comparing the fact that ours is visible, and theirs is hidden. Maybe we have it easier because we don't have to put a happy face on when we hang out with people. Maybe we have it harder because everyone looks at us differently now, and every relationship takes much more effort than before.I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish with this post. Just thinking out loud I guess.
- Greg
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Parenting Vows.
I think most parents, at some point, look back on their childhood and appreciate their own parents in some way. And then they decide to emulate their parents or do things differently.
I know there are loads of things that I would want to do like my parents. I had good ones and I am grateful. If I can remember to do some of these things, I'll be a better for it:
1. Make an effort to have a special hug or some sort of affection.
My mom and I had a special hug. It was almost like a secret handshake. It was just ours, complete with a special name, and it helped me know how much I was loved. My dad also gave some stellar bear hugs when we were little. In fact, I have a photograph of all the neighborhood kids lined up to get a bear hug from him, it was that good. And that reminds me of another thing...
2. Be kind and intentional to friends and neighbors.
My dad was consistently kind to all my friends, giving them the time of day and not in a weird, freaky way. He'd joke with them and be his goofy self, often mortifying me. But he and my mom took time to care about the people that I cared about and that's a good thing. You know how some of your friend's parents were weird or mean or holed up in a room where you never saw them? I don't want to be like that. I don't have to be the cool parent, but I do have to be the nice one.
3. Care about safety over my child's coolness factor.
I remember one time (and only one time) when a station wagon full of some of the mostest popular boys pulled up to my house after being at a neighbors and I was talking to them. My dad was outside and he said something funny, of course, but without mortifying me (bonus). They asked me to come along with them. It was the year before I got my license, I believe, and I was thrilled, elated to be asked. I just assumed I could go (my parents were pretty lenient with me) but my dad said I couldn't go. I was mad and I figured I just lost my ticket to being cool. My guess is he saw the packed wagon with no seatbelts and said no way. And even though they were nice guys and not up to anything, it was still a wise decision on my dad's part to not let his daughter go off with a load of 13 & 14 year-old boys.
4. Let younger kids feel special and smart.
As the younger child, I was left out of certain things from time to time because I was too little. But I don't remember that as much because my parents did a great job of including me. My mom would let me be with her in the kitchen to help. And she taught me the correct way to set a table before I was probably out of diapers... and that gave me a purpose at meal times. Another way to curb the age difference between my sister and I was having specific categories. We would have these backyard races. My dad would do play-by-plays, of course, and my sister would obviously win. But she would only win in the "ten-year-old division". I would come panting in to win the "five-year-old division." I don't think I ever felt less because I still heard that I won. And when friends would come, we'd add the "red-headed division" or whatever was needed so everyone got a chance to win. (Sdenote: I do love when everyone wins but there does need to be times when a kid loses... thus, we always had pinocle for that).
On the flip side, I also have a few things l am vowing to do differently from M & D and a few include:
1. I will let my kids use the slip-n-slide on our lawn and not worry about the lawn being ruined.
I'm pretty sure if you were to ask my dad now, he'd wish he would have given in to my nagging and let me run wild with joy in that much-desired banana slip-n-slide instead of worrying about the resulting yellow grass stripe in the middle of his (spotless) lawn. In my dad's defense, his yard was one of his hobbies. It was a lawn to swoon over, really. So perhaps for me, I need to carry this over to one of my hobbies and be okay with my kid marring it somehow.
2. I will follow through with a seemingly innocent promise.
We had this awesome playhouse growing up. Loved that house. When my dad built it, he had it wired for electricity but they never took the last step in getting it completed. And I would ask every summer for that to happen so we could have really fun sleepovers in there (to be fair, we still had fun sleepovers in there but with flashlights) but I never got to plug-in my tape player (heck yes). They should have bit the bullet and did it instead of promising it'll happen one day.
Also, they once told me I could have a dog and I never got one. So um, they shouldn't have promised that to me. Though to be fair we did have pet fish and they committed suicide probably from my very quickly diminished desire to clean their tank. I didn't even know that was possible but indeed, they will jump out of your tank if they are not happy fish. My parents probably saw how I took care of fish and decided I probably shouldn't get the responsibility of a dog. Still...
Well, this has gotten a little long. Perhaps I will keep adding to each list so I can look back and remind myself. And I'll take the time to again be thankful for a great childhood.
-Heather
I know there are loads of things that I would want to do like my parents. I had good ones and I am grateful. If I can remember to do some of these things, I'll be a better for it:
1. Make an effort to have a special hug or some sort of affection.
My mom and I had a special hug. It was almost like a secret handshake. It was just ours, complete with a special name, and it helped me know how much I was loved. My dad also gave some stellar bear hugs when we were little. In fact, I have a photograph of all the neighborhood kids lined up to get a bear hug from him, it was that good. And that reminds me of another thing...
2. Be kind and intentional to friends and neighbors.
My dad was consistently kind to all my friends, giving them the time of day and not in a weird, freaky way. He'd joke with them and be his goofy self, often mortifying me. But he and my mom took time to care about the people that I cared about and that's a good thing. You know how some of your friend's parents were weird or mean or holed up in a room where you never saw them? I don't want to be like that. I don't have to be the cool parent, but I do have to be the nice one.
3. Care about safety over my child's coolness factor.
I remember one time (and only one time) when a station wagon full of some of the mostest popular boys pulled up to my house after being at a neighbors and I was talking to them. My dad was outside and he said something funny, of course, but without mortifying me (bonus). They asked me to come along with them. It was the year before I got my license, I believe, and I was thrilled, elated to be asked. I just assumed I could go (my parents were pretty lenient with me) but my dad said I couldn't go. I was mad and I figured I just lost my ticket to being cool. My guess is he saw the packed wagon with no seatbelts and said no way. And even though they were nice guys and not up to anything, it was still a wise decision on my dad's part to not let his daughter go off with a load of 13 & 14 year-old boys.
4. Let younger kids feel special and smart.
As the younger child, I was left out of certain things from time to time because I was too little. But I don't remember that as much because my parents did a great job of including me. My mom would let me be with her in the kitchen to help. And she taught me the correct way to set a table before I was probably out of diapers... and that gave me a purpose at meal times. Another way to curb the age difference between my sister and I was having specific categories. We would have these backyard races. My dad would do play-by-plays, of course, and my sister would obviously win. But she would only win in the "ten-year-old division". I would come panting in to win the "five-year-old division." I don't think I ever felt less because I still heard that I won. And when friends would come, we'd add the "red-headed division" or whatever was needed so everyone got a chance to win. (Sdenote: I do love when everyone wins but there does need to be times when a kid loses... thus, we always had pinocle for that).
On the flip side, I also have a few things l am vowing to do differently from M & D and a few include:
1. I will let my kids use the slip-n-slide on our lawn and not worry about the lawn being ruined.
I'm pretty sure if you were to ask my dad now, he'd wish he would have given in to my nagging and let me run wild with joy in that much-desired banana slip-n-slide instead of worrying about the resulting yellow grass stripe in the middle of his (spotless) lawn. In my dad's defense, his yard was one of his hobbies. It was a lawn to swoon over, really. So perhaps for me, I need to carry this over to one of my hobbies and be okay with my kid marring it somehow.
2. I will follow through with a seemingly innocent promise.
We had this awesome playhouse growing up. Loved that house. When my dad built it, he had it wired for electricity but they never took the last step in getting it completed. And I would ask every summer for that to happen so we could have really fun sleepovers in there (to be fair, we still had fun sleepovers in there but with flashlights) but I never got to plug-in my tape player (heck yes). They should have bit the bullet and did it instead of promising it'll happen one day.
Also, they once told me I could have a dog and I never got one. So um, they shouldn't have promised that to me. Though to be fair we did have pet fish and they committed suicide probably from my very quickly diminished desire to clean their tank. I didn't even know that was possible but indeed, they will jump out of your tank if they are not happy fish. My parents probably saw how I took care of fish and decided I probably shouldn't get the responsibility of a dog. Still...
Well, this has gotten a little long. Perhaps I will keep adding to each list so I can look back and remind myself. And I'll take the time to again be thankful for a great childhood.
-Heather
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