Flag Day or not.

At my Tuesday appointment we scheduled induction for Tuesday, June 14. I'll be 38 weeks and that was a good date to fill in our birthday week. 

A few hours after that I got the call that my platelets went low again so that could really mean a sooner induction anyway. So much for making plans!

I have felt much more pregnant and pressure and readiness to deliver this go round than any before at this point. On the flip side, I feel much less prepared with the baby's things and room and practically readying our lives for a little being... YET without being overly concerned about that fact! Heather in the past would never believe Now Heather wouldn't have those drawers filled or figured out where the going-home outfit is hiding out. 

I am glad Grammy is coming this weekend so she can work her magic in his room and the big sibling room, too. 

And for the fact that nothing really matters except meeting this guy however the Lord has planned. 

-Heather

Cameo.

This may be the weirdest parenting brag ever. Yes I'm certain.

Greg worked many, many hours in the last years producing a documentary at work. Titled Essence of Healing: Journey of American Indian Nurses. It follows the stories of 14 American Indian nurses from around ND/SD. It's very well done. You can see the preview here or check out their facebook page to view photos from the premiere (which we had to miss as it was held the same day as my cousin's wedding in MN).

It's a great video. I finally got to watch it in full and I'm thrilled to say my daughter is in it!

And not the one you assume. Many of the nurses, when asked "what's the hardest part about being a nurse", mentioned fetal demise. Since they covered a wide variety of their experiences, including difficulties in their jobs and the spiritual aspect of being native, they had a piece in the documentary about these nurses caring for families of babies that have died. Greg then used a photo of Maelee to accompany that part in the story. 

My baby is in a movie. Yes, quite odd but it's powerful. I'm happy to share to the world that she existed.

Greg didn't tell me about this so that I could be surprised when I finally saw the film and surprised seeing Maelee in it for a short clip. So sweet! I'm proud of him doing SO MUCH work on this very meaningful film. He's such a great worker and a great dad to even our girl in heaven. 

-Heather

Personality?

I wonder frequently what the personality of this new baby will be? We have two fairly "easy" kids right now. They are still kids, of course, but they are fairly good listeners and sleepers and eaters and poopers and seem to be cautious. On a very basic level, that makes them "easier" in comparison to the super adventurous kids that climb on tables and run at full speed the second you set them down and would have no qualms about jumping off the top of the playground set (ie, Greg's brother Chris).

So naturally, there is that inner still mom voice that worries we have a "Chris" on his way to shake up our world in ways we didn't know possible.

Gulp.

Lord help us! We will love him regardless but for the record, I just want to say having Eli and Annalee become so close and most (not all) of the time, playing and entertaining each other so wonderfully... has been such a gift for me. Do I still lose it and fail and get crazy tired of discipline and all that? Yes. But it could be worse!

They have their issues. Eli wants to be entertained and he likes to push buttons (saying poopy whatever and walking the line on listening or whining for snack ten minutes after eating). Here's a quote I wrote down that made me laugh and I want to make sure it's recorded. I was cautioning Eli about something he was doing in the dirt next to our house (I believe he kept getting it in his face from the wind):

Me: "I don't think that's a good idea."

Eli, briefly pausing to consider, then with his classic shrug: "Well, I'm still doing it."

He was so matter-of-fact about it. At least he's honest.

Sidenote: are their cautious personalities nature or nurture? I say "be careful" way too often to be considered a go-with-the-flow mom, I'm sure of it, so I have to wonder if I've messed up their inner adventurousness. Getting Eli to actually be brave enough to go down the waterslide, or get a shot, or take a shower... it's exhausting. Once he does, he's all in but getting him to take the plunge... oh my!

There will be loads of change coming up for our five-year-old and our two-and-a-half-year-old. They have had lots already. The new daycare transition went very well (she was so impressed with how easy they were, especially Annalee) so that's a relief. But with a new baby and Eli starting kindergarten next fall, it's going to be interesting seeing how they change.

As for Annalee, I'm certain she is a mini of her father in most every way. She is introverted. Yet silly when around those select few. She's crazy stubborn. I knew it before but that trait has come out so obviously these last few weeks. Oh dear. She breaks out that lower lip and just looks at me. Last night we went to bring cupcakes to the new neighbors we met. They weren't home. She held on to those cupcakes and did not want to leave their front door. I told her we couldn't wait for them to get home (I think they actually went to Wisconsin) and she would not budge. It involved a whole lot of her screaming. And a long walk back to our house. She gets it into her mind...and... it's hard to sway her. This could get interesting! I will make sure Daddy is all over that. Since every time I say "I love you, Annalee!" she responds "I love my Daddy!" I'm fairly certain I can play that card when having to deal with her being a stinker.

They slept in their bunk beds last night for the first time, these big siblings, and it went well. I'm sure we will have some rough nights but for now, YIPPEE! We can (attempt) to get a baby room ready!

And speaking of... my platelets not only stabilized, they went up! So a 37/38 week induction seems much more plausible now. TBD!

-Heather

Bump!

Lindsay was over and said we needed to take a belly pic in case I go into labor. That is probably not going to happen but it gave the motivation to have this taken! I'm almost 35 weeks (she's 23 with her third baby, first boy, and they live down the street) so best buds pre-birth. We also have a belly shot of the dads... 

-Heather

34 weeks and June!

My platelets were stable as of today! They went up a bit, in fact, and did not drop. Whew! That gives us a bit of time for baby to grow, ideally we can make it until June. Baby passed all his tests today - he even gave me a little thumbs up on the ultrasound (truly!). 

-Heather

May or June?

I have started a host of blog posts in the last weeks. So much going on! My camera is full of photos to upload, memories to share. My phone is overloaded with pics, too. For now, I'll just type up some updates for those that need knowing.

1. We start a new daycare Monday. Our great, fabulous lady decided to close permanently because her injury is so serious and future unknown. We will sure miss her! Grateful for the time with her and the fit she was for us. Thankfully we found this one to start tomorrow a few days a week. The goal is so that I can keep working for now plus after the baby is born, have time to bond while the two older siblings get fun, kid time (the new daycare has kiddos just a bit older than E & A). Grateful for how well our kids have transitioned these last months to the numerous caregivers they have had. Such grace.

2. Greg built bunk beds for the kids. Woot! Not perfect (um, that gray stain sure looks blue) but they are airing out in Annalee's room as we speak. We smooshed them both in Eli's room tonight. I'm not certain they are asleep yet. Room sharing! Yikes! I spent many hours trying to find the right bedding (still not certain) but hopeful to find a basic gray quilt for each (currently planning on a Target one) with fun sheets for each of them. If anyone knows of a super cute purple-only pattern of sheet for Annalee, do tell.

3. This baby boy. Right now I am uncertain if he will really be our June baby or if he will be a May baby. My platelets have been dropping again. I started my twice weekly ultrasound and non-stress tests and he has been passing all those. I had blood drawn twice this week to see how my platelets are behaving. We need them to stay high enough. If not, they will induce even preterm. If they are going the rate they are going... we could be having a NICU baby. They may give steroids to get them up (and help baby's lungs) but we will see. I have battled a headache the last few days (today quite badly) which sort of compounded the concern for me. Honestly, friends, this has been eerily similar to the few days I spent in the hospital with Maelee and the preeclampsia scare at 34 weeks with her. Thankfully my head is getting better and my blood pressures are fine and my little stud is moving around often. I find myself missing my Eli doctor SO SO much and that great continuum of care. Today I just wanted to get my lab results from yesterday (just to make sure with my headache we were okay) and after figuring out I had no phone number to call, had to settle just talking to labor and delivery (who wouldn't give me results). There's only one OB/GYN clinic that is connected to my hospital. And no on-call physician to speak to on the weekends. Meh. I didn't feel it worth it to go in. I have felt really at peace this whole pregnancy but today, not being able to get reassurance, I felt a little overwhelmed at all this.

So pray for us in the next weeks as we figure out what is going on and what to do! I'm only 33 weeks so I'd really like to make it to 36 for baby. I actually had hopes to even go past 38 weeks, hoping to even go into labor on my own this time... But clearly I have lost a child before because what trumps all my wishes and ideals about how this pregnancy ends is the main: let's just keep baby and me alive.

4. Oh and he STILL doesn't have a name! And his room doesn't really exist yet. We need to clean up the car seat and find the hospital outfits. Gratefully we were given lots of newborn boy clothes from my sister's dear friend, so he has clothes now! And we have an insane stockpile of diapers! What else do we even need!

-Heather

Flashlight.

We celebrated Eli turning five a few days early on Saturday. I did not go crazy party planning so you all can be shocked and amazed. We still had a great party with all of Eli's requests: flashlights, tacos and ice cream. Add in a super cool scavenger hunt and a sort of lame dark dance, a few friends and family and a spoiled kid getting presents, and you have our party!

OSHA would not approve of that ladder safety.

I made a "5" sign using words to describe Eli. Super fun to do, took only 20 minutes, highly recommend as a quick but big impact decor. 

Here was the birthday boy with his R2-D2 sticker he got at school yesterday. 

He's 5!

And with his dad at McDonald's, his requested birthday supper. Not my favorite, but at least he ordered an orange!

Love these men.

He truly is a joy. I love you, Eli Joseph! 

-Heather

More Life.

It's Maelee's week. We woke up to snow on the ground yesterday so it sure doesn't remind me of South Carolina six years ago, but it is still her week. It started out a bit crazy...

I posted about our daycare scare... well, yesterday she found out her sprained ankle is actually a broken foot and the poor thing is where I was almost three years ago - no weight bearing, a boot, and roller-aid for at least a month! No daycare for us!

Thankfully (many texts later) Eli's preschool buddy's mom is watching the kids two days, and Greg's cousin's wife who had a baby in February is going to watch them for another six days (so very grateful!), and the grandparents for one day, a friend for a morning... assuming no sickness takes over, we are good for the next month and I can keep working. We just have to make it through June/until baby arrives for insurance reasons and it's looking more and more like me working won't be happening much into the fall anyway. 

Thanks be to God, this time around, partly due to the crazy work situation of late that I'm not overly thrilled to be at, I was not too concerned about the details. Within hours we had the above figured out and Grandpa even stepped up to watch the kids so I could finish up my work week. Plus this little baby moves around so much, he is doing fine through this (this week, most especially, I need him to remind me he is okay). 

Something I'm quite thankful for is how well our kids play together and how they handle people and situations. They are obviously still kids and need watching, but they are intuitive and follow common sense and rules more often than not. They are good at entertaining themselves with toys and stories and pretend play. Most of the time, they get along well with each other and know how to play together and independently. They like other kids and grown-ups (especially in smaller groups) and interact well with others. It may seem like a small thing but it warms this momma heart that they adapt so well to others. Church nursery, the handful of daycare situations, play dates, relatives, parties... they handle it really well. Sometimes Eli will whine to go to Sunday School but only for a minute. Truly, in certain situations, he will stick to us and whine and pout to our witt's end so that's not ideal. Sometimes Annalee can be clingy in large groups but she always warms up eventually. I want to remember this and treasure the good in it!

Today I overheard Annalee say something about "my sister" from the other room. No context. No idea why. But the bond they will miss is not lost on me.

And another story - Eli made a tulip at preschool a few weeks ago and as I was unpacking his backpack of daily projects, I exclaimed how pretty it was. He volunteered the story: "I told [the student teacher] tulips remind us of Maelee. And she asked "who's Maelee" and I said "My sister in heaven. She died and we have tulips to remember her." So of course, I melted a little that my sweet boy was so matter-of-fact about this, that he knows there was another baby before him and even keeps her in a tender spot in his heart. Love, love that boy. 

It's a different feeling being pregnant again this April. Oh how my pregnancy differs now versus six years ago! I was such a different mommy back then! Overall, I am continually struck by the fact I'm a better mom because of Maelee and I'm so grateful for her in our lives. I still ache for her to be here as the older sister but the sting is less harsh and the good from her death can be so wildly apparent. I wrote an article for work on suffering and the good that can come of it. Truly, she has given us this glimpse of another world we would have not been given otherwise. 

Wednesday, April 6, we will go out to eat as a family, maybe have some cake and ice cream, and celebrate together the gift of this baby that forever marked us. Sidenote: I just learned it's wacky hair day at preschool that day so I asked Eli if I could give him a mo-hawk since we have to cut his hair anyway and he burst into tears, whining and adamantly said I want my hair to stay like this... so perhaps "adventurous" or "willing to try new things" is not on his list of personality traits. 

-Heather