It's been 18 months since we held our baby girl in our arms and had to say good-bye before we got to say hello. This grief journey has been hard living, harder than I ever imagined life to be. You hear of suffering, but you don't anticipate how it will hit you or how you will experience it. I am grateful for Maelee, for the good that we can see from her life and death. But I am still hurting, still longing for her. That's just how it's going to be.
Today is a bit of a milestone. I have outfits stored in the attic, I can even visualize a few, that are size 18 months. Though she probably would have been chunky like her brother so perhaps she'd already moved on from this size... oh but I wish her little fat legs were in those tights right now. I wish I was figuring out the cutest coordinating costumes for our two kids to wear for Halloween.
I know many people assume that we should be fulfilled parents because we have Eli. That's partially true. There are many hopes and dreams that our adorable guy is fulfilling for us. Hearing his first cry, knowing he was alive, will forever be one of the most deeply satisfying, redeeming moments for me. Enjoying our baby, getting to be responsible for this being, watching him hit all his "firsts" is just pure grace for us. Yesterday I actually held Eli during his nap because I just couldn't stop smelling him and holding him close. God has used Eli Joseph to heal much of our broken hearts and fill us with much, much joy.
Even so, our family is still not complete. It's missing her. We still have hard days. There are still triggers, good and bad, even after all this time. Last week I was shopping and saw these little shorts with cherries on them. At church one Sunday we saw someone we hadn't seen for a few years and she asked "Don't you have another child?" Greg is taking a "Crisis Counseling" class and they've been continually talking about grief and loss. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Eli will be wearing the "little pumpkin" pajamas that I had bought for Maelee...
The fact is, she's never far from my mind. Greg's either.
And we still love her.
This is the last ultrasound photo we have of Maelee alive. It was taken April 1, 2010, days before she died. She's sucking her thumb.
We miss you beautiful daughter, big sister. Someday. Some glorious day... we will get to hold you again.
-Heather
3 comments:
We will never forget Miss Maelee - Love Auntie Amber, Uncle Jeff, Ali, and Ava.
We went to a concert last night and there was a beautiful red headed teenager that passed by. My first thought was "I wonder what Maelee would have looked like as a teenager?" I did this a lot with your brother John...still do sometimes. We just never forget that they are a part of our family. Oh! I echo what you said Heather...when we are all together again, what a glorious day that will be!
Grandma K
Miss her...love you all very much.
~The Campbells
Post a Comment