Marker Babies.

I have started using this term though I have no idea if I heard it from someone, read it, or made it up myself. But "marker babies" is a term I sadly have a use for. A marker baby is a child that is born around the time you had a loss or possibly born when your baby was due, if you had an early loss. They are the babies that represent where your child should be if he/she/they were living.

There are a few babies born around the time that Maelee died that are "marker babies" for us. Some are harder than others to see or hear about. I have no idea why. Sometimes how close you are with the parents determines how tough it is to be around the marker child. Maybe sharing a pregnancy with a friend step-by-step but with wildly different outcomes. Or perhaps gender or similar hair color of their baby, etc. I suppose you don't get to pick exactly why a certain child makes your heart ache, they just do. Obviously we are glad these babies exist and that their parents did not experience what we did. There's just a weird connection between your heart and a marker baby.

That said, one of the fears I have with this pregnancy is we now know loads and loads of pregnant people! Like, seriously many people have been busy. And blessed. But to me, my experience, if I'm to put a voice to my fears, is that means more possible "marker babies" for us. And that is hard to swallow.

I remember too well what it was like hearing so-and-so had their child alive while I wept with sorrow over Maelee. I don't want to do that again. Most closely connected to us this go round are Greg's sister and his cousin, due within days of each other with their first children, girls, due the first week in September (oh that we would get to see these girl cousin cousins together! what joy!). And I can count another nine or maybe more pregnant ladies, some close, some not, due within September/October. I want to be excited and thrilled for these kiddos instead of knowing them only as marker babies. And I don't want their parents to experience what we did/do either.

So we continue to hope that each of these precious babies will make his or her appearance alive and healthy and pray to that end. God knows.

-Heather

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139