Rollercoaster.

Little man is doing well based on our appointment this morning. He's around 5lbs 14ozs of little miracle. Thanks for your continued prayers for him!

I was really, really wanting to schedule our induction date officially and have it on the calendar for April 29th. But our very wise doctor wants to wait until Monday, May 2nd. He thinks it's unwise to take baby earlier (unless something develops to warrant that) and really doesn't want him to be on a ventilator if there is no reason not to... and he is right (of course). But that doesn't mean that it's not hard for me when I think of getting near or passing the day I was gestationally with Maelee when she died.

And so I lost it. Right in front of the doctor. I know they get paid well, but really, he earned every penny today.

I don't want to wish our little guy to come before he's ready. But I so badly want him here alive... that sadly, I'm not thinking quite rationally... my mind thinks if he has to be in the NICU for awhile, oh well! At least he'd be here! But babies don't always make it out of the NICU either. So we wait. To me this sounds just too much like how we were last March, when the doctor said we could take Maelee at 35 weeks and we said no, it's better to wait and let her cook in there longer. That was the right decision because she wasn't ready. Hard truth.

When I don't have anything good to compare this pregnancy to, every day is a bit of a rollercoaster for us. By the grace of God, I mostly am able to focus on what is good, but sometimes the stress and anxiety and memories hit me like a ton of bricks. Plus hormones!

Taking down Maelee's room yesterday and getting ready for our hopeful new occupant... well, that probably had something to do with my breakdown. I really ought to let myself process more so I don't let it build up. Ah grief, you twisted thing.

Somewhat due to my humbling experience of not being able to stop crying in front of him, the doctor switched me to two ultrasounds per week. Just to give us and them continued peace that baby is doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing. So we'll be back again on Tuesday!

Thankfully... Grammy is here! Even though our stress is high, it's less because someone is here to fix food and make my bed and create beautiful things! Moms are great. And in one week, Grandma K will be here, too, so double the fun and productivity! We are blessed to have one solidly supportive family.

Perhaps later I'll post a few photos of the room transformation... a weird bitterly sweet process. And I definitely have much to say about the fact our boy already has enough clothes for the first 6 months of his life that I probably won't have to do laundry...

-Heather

I don't know about you, but I sure miss the plain brown.