I've been dreading it all week. It's been on my mind at work. I've sat awake at night thinking about it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it, but I think I should. I'm going to dig Maelee's grave. That's some heavy stuff.
I'm doing it because I want to have some sort of connection with the grieving people of the past. Old-fashioned tough guys who worked with their hands all day. Bearded stoic guys who never cried because they'd seen so much heartache in their life already ... and this was just another earthly cross to bear. They'd go out on the backside of their 100-acre property with their wife, six kids and dog. The man of the house would dig the hole and put a wooden cross at the head of the grave.
I'm doing it because I hope it might release me from the constant anger and frustration of dealing with loss. It feels therapeutic to cut rocks with a saw, curl some barbells and dig holes with a shovel. I think it might've been a little easier for men in the olden days because they didn't have to go sit in a cubicle after losing their daughter. They could go ax some wood, till some soil, or put up some barbed wire fence.
I'm doing it because it costs $50 for the funeral gravedigger to do it. My dad, my grandpa, my brothers and I are going to do it. We're going to get my grandpa's spade. We're going to walk down the street to the cemetery.
My grandpa knows the specifics for how deep it needs to be. I doubt it's six feet deep. She was just an infant.
I'll be the first to break the earth. I'm going to jab that shovel in the ground. It's black, healthy Red River soil, so it's not going to be like digging into clay.
The tough part is not going to be digging the hole. The tough part is going to be filling it. We're going to have to put Maelee's remains in the hole and throw the dirt on top of it. We're going to throw some more on top. Then we're going to pat it down and put up the gravestone.
Another chapter closed in this sad, sad story. But the story never ends. Maelee will never be forgotten.
-Greg
7 comments:
I'm so grateful that you continue to face grief head on. With great courage you are doing the hardest things, and may you have strength to press on with all the little things, day after day after day.
I know your older brother is glad that he will be there with you to share your grief at this place in the grieving journey. I'm glad he can be there- that you'll have all those good men around you. I so wish I could be with you all on Saturday.
I'm sure there will be a lot more to digging this hole this whole than just the visible earth, sweat and tears. And I'm sure I'm not the only one praying that the Lord will be preparing you guys in deep ways for all these days will hold.
May your hearts dig down into the Solid Rock of Christ and find his sure rescuing peace for you there.
Love to you- Maelee's Mom and Dad,
jill
Greg, Reading this entry is hard. I can't imagine doing what you are getting ready to do. In some way, I wish you could bury your saddness, but the pain you have for Maelee will become a part of the new you. I imagine that it will be very hard making space in the ground for your daughter. Know that she is loved so much by so many people. I think of her and you and Heather all the time and cry for you. Know that while you dig Maelee's grave, we will be praying hard for you. I know you will need the strength to do it.
I love you three very much and will be thinking of you on Saturday.... and every day around it. I pray that Saturday let's you grieve and find some relief of stress.
Matthew 11:25-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
1 Corinthians 12:26
If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.
Be safe in your travels. I'm so sorry for your pain.
-Court
I am so glad that you blog. It really helps me to know how you and Heather are doing. I know you haven’t been sleeping well and now I know why! I am so glad that you will be digging Maelee’s grave. It has to be the hardest thing that you have done. I am sorry that you are going through this. I pray that it will be therapeutic for you. I pray that God will scrape every fragment of anger and frustration you are dealing with because of the loss of your beautiful Maelee and fill you with Him (only God knows exactly what you need when you need it). I pray for strength. (A chorus from “His Strength is Perfect” just came to my mind and is my prayer for you and Heather…”His strength is perfect when our strength is gone. He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on. Raised in His Power the weak become strong. His strength is perfect. His strength is perfect.”) I pray God will work in a mighty way in your heart and life. I am so glad that the men in your family will be with you supporting you and holding you up during the digging process. I pray (as it says in Psalm 91:4) that God will cover you with his feathers and under His wings you will find refuge, His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. I continue to pray that God will prepare your hearts for what he has planned for your lives.
I’ll share a few verses that came to my mind:
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 54:10 Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
Continuing to pray for you guys, Diane
Oh boy, that is great. Tough, hard, but good. I will/am praying for you all... my heart aches for you... thank you for continuing to share.
Maelee will never be forgotten. Fly safe and we will see you tomorrow. Ali can sing you her new Maelee songs - I think she takes after Uncle Greg when it comes to song writing!
How symbolic. Little girls always want to be loved and protected by their daddies and you are demonstrating that kind of love and protection by doing what you're doing. That special bond never goes away and the bond you have with Maelee will never go away. Maelee lucked up when God picked you as her dad. You have been so brave and courageous even in your weakest moments. She's probably bragging up in Heaven telling everyone else how awesome her dad is! For your family--the three generations of men that love you as much as you love Maelee--may God use them to be the support that you'll need. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Heather and the rest of your family.
Post a Comment