Saturday, May 1, 2010

Suffering.

I had expected our date last night to be hard. I thought we wouldn't be able to have normal conversation at a restaurant. But, thanks be to God, we had a nice, solid time together. We had wonderful conversation reflecting on the past five years, remembering our first years together in our ghetto apartment and really ghetto rental house in Grand Forks. It was good to be reminded of the memories we've made. It was good to reminisce.

Sometimes I think we've had too much suffering in our fives years. Moving to S.C. away from family, then the ectopic pregnancy in 2008 (yes, Maelee isn't our first child in heaven), my great job at CIU being cut, then Maelee... and it's easy, so easy to feel like we deserve something better, an easier life, only good things, only prosperity. And that's when I realize, well heck, that's the prosperity gospel... only believing in Jesus because we will get health and wealth. That's dumb. There's suffering all over the Bible of followers of Jesus. Hard, tough, deep suffering. I'm not at the point where I'm embracing this suffering or having a good attitude about it, and I'm surely never going to seek out suffering, but I do recognize that suffering is a part of life in this sinful world. Why we have been chosen for this, I don't know (it's surely not because we are strong enough for this, we aren't).

So we've suffered and we are suffering one of the hardest things people have to suffer. Every day without Maelee is downright painful. BUT regardless of our deepest pains, God is still good. I won't get into the theology of why I believe that (I certainly don't feel it all the time right now) but if I'm going to think about the bad stuff in our lives, I would be unfair not to mention the good... like getting to experience a whole new culture and new set of friends in S.C., Greg getting a job at BlueCross that provides and allows him to go to school (and that he still has his job), having amazing family, getting to hold our daughter for a few unforgettable hours. We've suffered yet we've been blessed.

Now if I can only remember that during the really, really dark moments.

-Heather

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Praise for seeing the Lord's truths. Your heart is so pure - praise the Lord for that.
We are praying for you daily that God will lift you up and hold you in his arms.
- greg says that he is praying for you daily that God will give you a great BIG hug!
Love you
Ireland's

Anonymous said...

Heather, thank you for your post. It brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. I'm so glad you and Greg were able to commemorate your special day in the midst of your grieving. After all the pain and suffering you've endured, you can still proclaim "God is still good". Thank you for the reminder of this non-negoatiable truth to which we cling when life makes no sense.

We continue to lift you and Greg up each day to the only one who can give you the comfort and healing you need.

Dawn Parker

Dawn Parker

TheSpeights said...

Heather,
I know I say this to you all the time, but just trying to understand what you guys are going through is devastating, so knowing what you two are actually going through is near impossible. I do know that I absolutely hate that you are in pain. The bible does tell us over and over about suffering and sadness. It's hard to embrace it and except it. I read about the ectopic pregnancy in a comment to Greg's post a while back. I held my breath for a moment and my heart dropped reading that. I had no idea. I'm so sorry.

I am grateful to have met you and gotten to know you guys even just a little. You two have made such a huge impact on my family. I've been seeking a deeper relationship with Christ and trying to get out of just going through the motions in Christianity. I've appreciated my family a little more and now I've made two friends. It's not about me during your suffering, but I wanted you to know that there are some good things happening BECAUSE OF YOU. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I'm here anytime for any little thing. I never met Maelee and I hope it's not weird to say that I miss her, too.

I'm praying for healing and peace. I hope for you less dark moments as time goes by. You are not alone.

love you three
-court

Dre S. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Ah, well said my beautiful daughter. Well said. I can hear our Lord saying, "Well done, my good and faithful servant".

Love you with all my heart, Dad K.

Anonymous said...

Bless you for praising Him in this storm. What a testament to our Lord.

Tricia Wolfe

Anonymous said...

'..for this, I have Jesus...'

Connie C

Kim said...

It is so good to hear that even when it doesn't feel like it is true (because sometimes it just doesn't) you are clinging to what you know to be the truth about God and who He says He is. I continue to pray daily for you.