We Celebrated Her.

Maelee Linn Kasowski...
was celebrated in honor of her first birthday on April 6, 2011.

Seeing beauty was important for me this week. Thankfully yesterday was a lovely sunny but perfectly cool day. And my family sent us some sweet pink tulips to enjoy!

Maelee's momma wore her Maelee apron and baked some yummy white cupcakes and had a quiet day at home missing her. I wore a shirt I haven't worn since I was pregnant with her (the same one I wore to her baby shower). It's very fun and girly... and I haven't been able to wear it yet because it triggers too many memories. But I knew she would like me to wear it on her birthday.

Maelee's daddy went to class and worked most of the day but when he got home at five, we took a family photo with our camera on auto. Greg wanted me to make my outfit even more pink so I added a sweater. And he's wearing the shirt he wore to her funeral.

Lisa mentioned one of their traditions on their daughter's birthday is to take a family photo and include a photo of Sophia. So this is our version (above) with our Maelee bear... and next year, we hope the little man will be holding his sister's bear. You can also see the sweet pink daisies on our porch that our friends gave us. M would have loved those fun daisy blooms.

Then we went out to eat at a quaint place downtown. We had the place to ourselves, the sun was shining, it was peaceful and lovely... just us.

Greg had ham/asparagus crepes, I had pineapple chicken... yummy food was an important part of M's birthday celebration.

Even though we had multiple cupcakes at home, our dinner place is known for their amazing desserts and we couldn't pass that up so we shared a piece of delicious cheesecake. I know we made Maelee happy with our enjoyment of all her cupcakes and dessert... and I know her brother was happy for it, too. You can also see my new mother's ring that Greg gave me yesterday. It's a perfect little diamond (her birthstone) on a thin white gold band. Greg's quote: "It's tiny. Just like Maelee was."

I love wearing it!

The end of our dinner was a little tough as we debated whether or not we wanted to go to the hospital where Maelee was born. We paid $25 to the Wee Remember group to add her name to the plaque of babies who have died. We really, really wanted to see her name but we didn't want to go back there. We knew it would be hard and not make the day any easier. In the end, we decided to just get it over with.

We were right, it was very tough. Thankfully I asked a nurse right when we got to the fourth floor where the plaque was (we refused to wander around there) and she brought us right there. We found our daughter's name and were so pleased that it also includes her birth date (not many did). I lost it right away because, well, I don't get to see her name printed really anywhere (if you get mail or even bills for your kids, just be thankful to get to see their name printed). We took a few photos. And then we left... too hard to see those walls, hear the cries of babies, be back at the scene, leave that parking garage... too hard. Have I mentioned how grateful I am to be delivering at a completely different hospital with our little man? A much needed change for me.

We know a couple of the other babies' parents that are on the plaque. I wish no more names ever needed to be added.

Then we came home and Greg had time to play music. We purchased Greg's electric guitar/amp last summer. It's the only thing Greg has actually wanted. Seriously. We were going to buy it last March but I said we needed to wait until baby was here. Well, after Maelee died, I was very motivated that Greg needed to buy one. So we did. And thanks to H1, we added Maelee's name on it in vinyl. It looks pretty great and is a sweet connection for daddy and his daughter.

Greg played all of the songs that he wrote after Maelee died. It was wonderful and therapeutic and peaceful.

Then we had cupcakes on the porch and watched (from what we can see with our limited view) the beautiful sunset that made the sky pink and purple and orange. I'll post our cupcakes later along with some of the photos of cupcakes you all enjoyed, too!

We talked for awhile about how we think that we have grieved well this past year. That doesn't mean it's been easy! But we do believe the Lord has graced us with good wisdom and understanding in how to grieve and honor Maelee. We can talk about her at any point, she's a part of our lives, your lives, and we are reminded that she won't be forgotten. As much as I'd like to say "Okay, we're done. We've hit the one year mark and we are now "over it" and have "moved on" and you won't have to hear us blabble anymore..." I know that's not true. We will never be over the loss of our daughter. We still have hurdles to face. We will always be grieving her. How that looks will definitely be different and will change, of course, and the sting of death won't always be so apparent, thankfully, and we will continue to wish for the day when all things will be made right. Yet I am humbled when I know He's given us a gift of grieving her well even though we haven't deserved it and have so often failed.

Many thanks to each person who has been a part of our journey this past year. I know it's much, much easier to share in our joy than it is to share in our sorrow. Thank you. You're awesome.

-Heather

Cupcake photos to follow soon!