Today was my first day back in the office. I learned something. But let me back up a few steps.
Throughout this process I’ve tried to prepare myself for what’s ahead. I’ve read some materials from the hospital, read some stuff online. I’ve had a hard time finding stuff aimed at men. Most of it’s focused on women. I, as a male, get one little paragraph in a 30-page booklet from the hospital. Grandparents got a bigger section. I do a Google search for “fathers grieving stillborn daughter,” and I get a couple of blog sites—but it’s poor writing and hard to follow. And it’s aimed at some muscular gruff-scruffy guy who wouldn’t even cry if you paid him a million dollars. And most of the people who post comments on these sites are women … go figure.
Maybe women are more verbal, and so they’re writing all the materials. You could probably make a case that women are more connected to the baby, so they’ll have a tougher time grieving. There’s probably some books out there for me, I just haven’t looked too deep into it. Maybe you know some good books for guys like me.
So all that to say, I learned I wasn’t prepared for today. No one told me about all the hidden expectations. A new dad, coming home from his first day of work, hot wife on the porch, cute baby in tow, both eagerly anticipating. That's been completely crushed. Today my arms are empty.
-Greg
6 comments:
Greg, this breaks my heart. I am so sorry. I know today was hard. I know it was overwhelming. Things didn't work out the way there were supposed to. This was supposed to be a happy time where you share your great experiences so far. I wish so bad you and Heather could be ok. I know you can't be right now. I hate to hear you guys hurt so bad.
I'm on a mission to find a book just for you. It was, even though it was hard for you, to see you at work today. You three stay on our minds constantly.
Greg- we are so sad for this dream to be crushed for now, utterly crushed. So sorry for this, and for you...such a man. We love you, brother.
Maybe work can be a place for you to get a bit of respite as you get to put your mind on other needful things?
Praying for rest and a better day tomorrow. And we'll be seeing what we can find for books for you too.
Love you,
Matt and Jill
Greg,
Obviously, you're the forgotten griever in this situation (at least in the eyes of the materials written for those grieving the still-born child). My heart aches to think of you having to go back to work, attempting to "function" again. My prayers for you and Heather have been changing somewhat. At first, I begged God that you would be able to sleep, breathe, eat, etc. Then I started praying that you would fall back on what you know of God until you could start feeling it again. Now, Kim and I are praying that you will start to process your transition into, and acceptance of, your new lot in life. Grieving is all about adjusting, and you obviously have a painful adjustment to make.
One book that truly spoke to my heart is "Shattered Dreams" by Dr Larry Crabb. This book is a profound study into the life of Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) and how her dreams had been shattered. In studying this journey of grief, Dr Crabb comes to the conclusion that God will allow our dreams to be shattered so that we can more clearly see His dream for us.
Honestly, I really wasn't ready to read this book until 2 to 3 months after Micah died. Thankfully, it was the book I was reading when my flashbacks of the accident really started to hit. God used this book to teach me so much about grief and hope. Kim and I are having a copy sent to you immediately. If you're not quite ready to read it, I completely understand. In the mean time, know that my prayers for you have been intense and of the "begging" mentality.
When Kim and I were holding Micah's body after he died, I told her, "God has prepared us for this, somehow. It is going to be a long hard journey. But, we will make it." We have made it through these almost 6 years, and I can truly say that God has taught us so much about joy and hope that we never could have imagined on our own. Hang in there, friend.
Todd Erickson
Greg, I think men are put into a very tough situation in times like this. There is the expectation (whether placed by others or yourself) that the man needs to be the strong one, and be able to comfort his wife. But I think it is a strong man who is able to cry, to show emotion and weakness. In our sorrow, I found Dan's open grieving to be very comforting to me...it would have made my healing process more difficult had he held in his grief. I pray that you will be able to find the support you need in this time of tragedy.
I am thankful for men like you Greg - You may be the one to write such a book....
I have a book in mind for you; I don't have the title or author but I know what it is... it is written by a man, in mourning...
my brother benefitted from it... they lost a baby, at 40 weeks... didn't know he was gone until they put the thing on her tummy... and found no heartbeat... they delivered Oliver 12hrs later... hardest thing we have ever experience... that is an understatement...so... my brother knows your path... it has been over two years... they are still walking through some very tough waters... but have grieved well. I told them about you guys... they want to meet you... but only when you guys are ready... they live here in town... They are praying for you and grieving with you... your hearts have probably heard each other....
I will connect you when you are ready.... and in the mean time... I will look up that book.... but it may not be time for you to see that either... my brother read it about 8 months after Oliver died... he said it was perfect timing... as he would not have been able to handle it... any sooner.
Love in Jesus,
Tammie
Greg,
I am sorry that yesterday was so difficult for you. I knew it was going to be hard for you. I know that going home had to be hard without Maelee being there. Please know that you and Heather are in my thoughts and prayers throughout the day.
Diane
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