Monday, April 19, 2010

My Safe Hole.

I don't want to leave the house.

It's safe here. No people that don't know how much I'm suffering. No kids to see and cause me to miss Maelee more. No explaining.

But I can't stay here forever holed up. That wouldn't be healthy, eh? I'll have to venture out someday... but not yet. I need more time to be quiet. To not make decisions. To control my interactions.

Small victories for me include: making a joke, actually being hungry, making a decision about what to wear, sharing about Maelee with people.

Both Greg and I have gotten stress-related health stuff. Greg has some "acute stress reaction" that causes him to feel this lump-like pressure in his throat/chest (thanks to webMD for the diagnosis). I have this weird skin condition on my hands and feet (dyshidrotic eczema) that I've had a few times before but is triggered by stress.

We've heard many couples that lose a child don't end up staying together due, in part, to all the stress. We don't want that to happen. I'm trying to make sure I don't lash out at Greg. We're in this together. I want to be here for him. He's been an amazing husband to me. And sometimes it's hardest for me when I think about how wonderful of a daddy he would have been able to be for Maelee. He would have made her laugh so much! He would have made up some great stories, played some great games, created some sweet songs. I ache when I look at him at times, longing for him to have those experiences.



Nikole said...

I have dyshydrotic eczema too, so I feel your pain there- literally. I'm so glad that you're recognizing the small victories. That's a victory in itself. And you will eventually want to go out, but it's understandable that you're not there yet. Give it time.
I had not ever heard that about couples until last week when I mentioned y'all for a prayer request at my church. I think because my parents beat those odds. I think y'all will too. Y'all have a deep strong faith that gets you through the hard times. It's evident in how you're blogging about you're struggles. I am continuing to pray for you. You're still constantly on my heart.
-Nikole Addy

Ashley said...

dear heather, I've been reading your blog for about a week now and I just wanted to say that Jim and I are praying for you and Greg. I guess words can't really be expressed, but just know that we 
are grieving with you. Thank you for 
posting your thoughts and struggles,  it helps me know how to pray for you. With love, ashley

Anonymous said...

There is no formula or prescription for mourning. A lesson that Alex learned at camp has come to my mind many times this past year. Your blog today reminded me once again.
"Be still and know that I am God"
"Be still and know"
"Be still"
Sometimes that is all we can do. Just "Be". Love you, dear one. Aunt Ruth

Anonymous said...

dearest Heather and Greg, you are in my prayers everyday. We are praying that you will continue to abide and cling to the Lord's promises. His words are true. Love you,
Chris Ireland

Anonymous said...

Dear Heather and Greg,

I've been following your blog ever since Amy started asking for prayers for your family. I lost my father when I was 11. While it's not even close to being the same, I guess I would say to you, don't be afraid. Trust one another, love one another and cling to each other in understanding and faith. But these are things you obviously already know. 8) I think about you guys often and pray just as much that your pain eases with the passage of time.

Melissa Brown

jillian said...

Beloved Heather,

Lots of times, people with major physical injuries have to stay inside for weeks. A heart as hurt as yours is no different. I can hear hundreds with me assuring you- REST. Stay inside for a time. Regain stability. Be reassured. Regain your Hope. There will be time to get out... but this just isn't it. Not yet. Sooner or later it will come and we will bless you and support you the best we can as you begin to launch out again.

Yea, we've heard of others' struggles through such times and so many marriages are so strained. But just like any force that is not between you and God (ie- unconfessed sin), can always drive you to him, so this grief that is not between you and Greg (one against the other) should only push you towards each other.

I'm sure as you're doing all those things that people your age should NOT have to do, it will seem like there are issues that come up between you. Oh for grace to come quickly and reassure you that those are not real issues to peg your pain on.

So for as painful a place as you are- you are safe. Safe because all this pain can, and we trust- by God's grace WILL- drive you to your perfect Heavenly Father and to your flawed but still wonderful husband.

May the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort pour it generously on you and Greg today... even while you rest.

praying, praying, praying, and loving you SO-