I don't want to leave the house.
It's safe here. No people that don't know how much I'm suffering. No kids to see and cause me to miss Maelee more. No explaining.
But I can't stay here forever holed up. That wouldn't be healthy, eh? I'll have to venture out someday... but not yet. I need more time to be quiet. To not make decisions. To control my interactions.
Small victories for me include: making a joke, actually being hungry, making a decision about what to wear, sharing about Maelee with people.
Both Greg and I have gotten stress-related health stuff. Greg has some "acute stress reaction" that causes him to feel this lump-like pressure in his throat/chest (thanks to webMD for the diagnosis). I have this weird skin condition on my hands and feet (dyshidrotic eczema) that I've had a few times before but is triggered by stress.
We've heard many couples that lose a child don't end up staying together due, in part, to all the stress. We don't want that to happen. I'm trying to make sure I don't lash out at Greg. We're in this together. I want to be here for him. He's been an amazing husband to me. And sometimes it's hardest for me when I think about how wonderful of a daddy he would have been able to be for Maelee. He would have made her laugh so much! He would have made up some great stories, played some great games, created some sweet songs. I ache when I look at him at times, longing for him to have those experiences.