I thought I should post because Greg says it helps the grieving process so I posted about Maelee’s name yesterday. It was a good post, an honoring post. Today, I’m afraid it’s just going to be depressing. But if you want a glimpse of what life is like for me right now, this is more accurate.
I’M DEVASTATED
I’m not hopeless, but I’m close.
I'M SELFISH
It’s hard to think everyone is going back to, or were always living, their normal lives. Going to work, going to school, laughing, living. Greg commented this morning on how selfish grief is. I don’t want anyone else to have any fun, to laugh, to live normally. I want everyone else to care deeply and be affected that our baby is not living, not in my arms right now. That’s just being honest.
I'M QUIET
I haven’t been able to carry on a conversation with anyone besides Greg and occasionally our family. I can barely look anyone in the eye. I do treasure everyone’s comments (I was finally able to read them) and emails and cards… but I just can’t respond yet or think about seeing people (someday, friends, I do want to see you). But please keep commenting/emailing/talking – it helps immensely to know that Maelee is known by others. Please don’t forget her. Please keep saying things.
I'M LONGING
I love my daughter. I wake up every morning (never rested) seeing her face, remembering Greg holding her in the hospital and I just moan. I whimper for her. I want to hold her so badly, to be nursing her right now instead of the pain of my milk coming in. I imagine her years from now, her beautiful red hair… it was supposed to be us three. Greg, Heather and Maelee, family of three. She’s still a part of our family, I know, but I long for the memories we were to have.
I'M EXHAUSTED
I try to take a walk and I can make it two houses. Being on bed rest for a few weeks before and then all the grief leaves me completely without energy. Greg and I don’t have the motivation to brush our teeth. It all just seems so pointless.
I'M SCARED
I have no idea what life is supposed to look like now. The planner in me wants to have an idea of what to do, what the next step is and I have no idea. What am I going to do when Greg goes back to work and after family leaves? How will I face a whole day with just memories and could-have-beens with Maelee? After losing my job and not finding another one after months and months of searching, I figured I was supposed to just stay at home with baby. So now what? What do I do with my day? When I won’t want to get up or have trivial visits or think. How will I have the motivation to cook or clean or go shopping when that all seems completely pointless right now? How will I see other babies and children?
I'M THANKFUL
For all the comments and prayers from so many, some we don’t know. For our families for coming to take care of us. For friends making meals and loving us. For Greg who I can find delight in even during this. For Jesus that somehow will get us through. For Maelee, that I was able to have her in my womb for 38 weeks and for all the joy she brought. Maelee, you are worth the sorrow.
Oh that Jesus would come back soon so that death’s sting would go away.
29 comments:
Today i finally decided to leave a comment, scared before, not knowing what to say, if i'd put my foot in my mouth, if i'd hurt you and not mean it, or have nothing spectacular to say. We love and miss you dearly! That's it!
Love, The Bedenbaugh's
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak but HE is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so.
My heart has been singing this for your precious, Maelee.
still thinking about you guys! my mom also wanted me to send her sympathy, she is also thinking and praying for you & the family! and I agree "YES JESUS LOVES Me" has been playing in my head as well! love that song so much!
god bless you heather, greg, & maelee
amy & gloria
My heart hurts for you. I pray for you guys all the time. I wish you guys didn't have so much pain.
-Courtney
Heather - you are still in my thoughts and prayers on a daily basis. I know that I can not fathom the hurt, pain, sorrow but have experienced loss in my life and I remember that empty feeling. ~Janna Schill
Hi Heather! Thanks so much for sharing about your process. My prayer is that writing and sharing will help you continue to grieve. I am so deeply shaken by this terrible loss...I had so much looked forward to spending time with the three of you.
Heather and Greg, we have been checking the blog each day and I can feel the pain and sorrow in your words. We are thinking and praying for you both. I wish you did not have to go through this. Maelee is the most beautiful name I have ever heard. We are so sorry for your loss.
Love you both,
Emilie and Kelly
Heather,
You, Greg, and Maelee are loved - by Jesus and by us.
Wes and Rebekah
There's no pattern or gameplan for grief. Every feeling is valid. I can't describe my hurt for you and Greg, nor the pain at the loss of your baby girl, Maelee. (It is such a beautiful name.) And while no one else feels the agony you and Greg share, maybe everyone else's grief will help shorten and soften yours. Take as long as it takes. We all love you ... all 3 of you. --Doug
I've been hesitant to comment as well because I didn't know what to say. There are no right words to express how much I feel for you guys. You are in my prayers though.
Greg is right... writing it out does indeed help the grieving process. It's always helped me when going through dark times. I thought I would share a quote with you that I found a while back. I think of this often in difficult times...
"To me, it is not about getting over things and moving forward. It is about going through the sadness, taking some of it with you and being made whole because of it."
Just remember that God is there walking beside you through this sadness, and he will make you whole again with time. Much love... Kristin
Heather,
You are also:
Beautiful
Strong
Extraordinary
Beloved
… and so much more. So be devastated, be selfish, be scared and yes, be hopeless, if that’s how you feel and what you need right now. But never forget all of the other amazing things that you are. And some day brushing your teeth, combing your hair, cooking, shopping and all the rest of your daily routine will have meaning for you again. You will see that life goes on – not just for the world, for you and for Greg, but for Maelee as well. And your perfect daughter with her perfect name will live perfectly and forever in your heart and in the hearts of everyone who loves her.
So for as long as you need to, be quiet. And when you’re ready to talk about Maelee, about your grief, about your future – even about toothpaste – know that we are all here waiting and loving you.
Praying for you...thanks for sharing and being honest :-)
Heather, you don't know me. I have commented here before and prayed daily for you since i heard about Maelee. We know Greg's family. I wanted you to know you were the first person I thought of this morning. My heart aches for you as a mother who also lost her baby. I understand those aching arms, the frustration over having pain in my chest instead of being able to nurse my baby, and the emptiness everywhere...I can hardly type it for the shake in my hands at the memories. I wanted you to know what I prayed this morning though. I woke up and rememberd what it was like as the days wore on, the funeral was over and everyone has to go back to their lives...but you can't because life isn't what it was supposed to be. I remember similar feelings of anger that people could just go on and live like "normal".
I thought of all that this morning and prayed for you in that specific area. I prayed for peace and comfort, that God would fill the emptiness with himself and help you as you work through the anger, and the confusing feelings.
I remember feeling all the things you wrote here. I remember when silly things like washing my dishes was too hard and too much. I just wasn't sure I could ever live life "normally". Everything seemed so trivial. I can tell you that I have not lived "normally" again. God profoundly changed me, and I am grateful.
I will never forget what some very dear friends who had lost three babies told us. They said you will always have a hole in your heart, but just know God will heal the edges of that hole and it won't be so excruitating every time you think of your baby. You will be able to function again and to think of your child without breaking down. I realized there is healing, but in the healing you don't lose your baby and the place she has in your heart, you just learn to accept life as it now is, and that baby and your pain become part of who you are and the story of your life that God will work through greatly.
Praying for you.
Thanks so much for these words of comfort. I wish all of you could see how much these posts mean to Greg and Heather. Kim...as you know we lost our precious son John at 21 months. It does change you forever. I can now say that the loss showed me an aspect of God's nature I could never have know if I had not experienced it firsthand. He is truly the God of all comfort who comforts us in our sorrow.
Again...thanks to all you dear friends and family for caring and sharing.
Grandma Mary
Heather & Greg,
Thank you for opening your hearts and lives to us to view. We learn about God more every time we interact with you. We have prayed for you over this last week and will continue to do so. You are also encouraging, challenging, and transparent to us. You make us slow down and think of others more. To look past the brief moments we may have with other humans and think about their lives and what possibly they have gone through in their past to make them who they are and why they are a certain way today. May we all have more compassion because of you, and Maelee.
You don't even know me, but I wanted to say thank you for being honest with how you are feeling. I can't imagine your immense pain now since I've never lost a child, but do know the feeling that "hey why isn't the world stoping and mourning and hurting and being angry with me through this hard time?" I pray for you every morning that you will grieve through this difficult process,but also feel God's healing/loving hand on you. Again thanks for being so honest and don't worry about the feeling that you think are "selfish" they are just normal. May God show his love to you in extra special ways during this tough time
Heather and Greg, I don't believe we've met. Forgive me if we have and I don't remember. I go to Riverbend. I am praying for you both and my heart breaks for all three of you. We know your sweet baby is so fine in the arms of the Lord. AND we know how badly you want her in your arms. That is so fair for you to feel that way. I'm praying daily for the peace to come for you both. May God give you the strength to keep your eyes on him, even though they may be blurred with tears. He is big enough. God bless you both. Joanne Summerlin
Heather, it is so good to hear from you. I am praying for you. ~Tammie
I miss being there. I want to be there to hold you and give you your drugs so they aren't screwed up! Keep writing - it makes me get a better picture of what life is like on Linda street since I'm stuck here in Minnesota. I miss you. I miss Greg. I miss Maelee. I love you all. Amber
Heather, Maelee is a beautiful name and you are a beautiful mother. I am praying for you.
I have read your blogs and feel so sorry for you and you husband. Eventually you will move on, but just remember when you do, everyday you get closer to seeing your sweet angel again. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. -Sara Izard
Our precious dear ones!!! So many tears have been shed here by grandpa and me, for you!!!! I check every day on your blog! Only wish we could do more. Please know that you are always in our thoughts and prayers. xooxoxxo Gram and Granpa Kasowski
Heather,
We are comforted to see that since you posted this in the middle of our night, you've already been poured love and prayer over- before we could even be awake to read and comment here. Though we are both praying and grieving as often as we stir at night too.
I, too, am so glad you've written Heather. So glad for you, for Maelee's legacy, and for others to hear your words. MAELEE IS SO WELL LOVED.
We are broken, praying for you. Praying just as others have shared.... Kim and Grandma Mary.
Yes- come quickly Lord Jesus!
Love you so much precious sister-
jill
What you are is stronger than you know. It's okay for you to have all the feelings that you do. Thanks so much for sharing with the rest of us. We hope we can share some of the burden with you with the hope that with each passing day you'll hurt a little less. You, Greg and Maelee never leave our thoughts.
Ami
Thank you for being so completely honest about your emotions!!!! It is such a blessing to hear someone else say what is really going on. Oh how often we pretend that everything is okay when it is not. Your thoughts are important & valid & absolutely necessary.
Heather & Greg - What you are going through is totally normal. Your thoughts are normal, your lack of energy, your sadness, your emptiness, your feelings of not wanting to do anything...all normal. Please know you are in our prayers and thoughts. We are all grieving with you and our lives are not the same knowing what you are going through. We all are experiencing sadness with you and for you as we are able to experience this all through your blogs. You will get through this...the sun will shine...it is just that you cannot see it right now...you will not be the same and that is okay. God will continue to work in and through you. Maelee will not be forgotten. We are all broken with you and are grieving Maelee and the life that you wanted to have with her. Even though we don't understand it all, we will pray that God will wrap His loving arms around you during this time and give you peace.
Thinking of you, Diane
Heather and Greg, I have been keeping up with your blog and I want to finally say that my heart hurts and aches for you. I have no words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you on this Prayer Day here at CIU.
Sheri Z
Greg and Heather,
I concur with Amber. I miss being there with you. It's totally normal to be angry at people who go on living life normally while you grieve. I wish I could be there to hug you, grieve with you, make you muffins, and pressure wash the house. :) Please keep writing. It is not only therapeutic for you, but for us as well. I love you both so much. I love Maelee Linn so much. You are in my thoughts and prayers continuously throughout the day.
Love always,
Amy Marie
Like many, We feel like there are no words sufficent to offer for comfort. But please know this. We love you- we're praying- and we will always keep Maelee in our hearts as well. Love you- The Mark and Kiara Crosby crew.
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