I wrote a short story about my first few days back at work. We also just went back to church this morning. I’ve realized most people don't know what to say ... let me rephrase that ... nobody knows what to say ... unless you've been through this exact thing. I know you want to say something, but you just don’t know what. So, hopefully this story will help you a little.
There’s a big elephant camped out by my desk.
Most people would like to tip toe around him. But he’s just so dang big.
Some people want to move him out. But he's too dang big. “It would make us all feel a lot better if we could just get together and move him out. That way you wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.” Sorry, a hundred thousand people couldn’t move this elephant out of here.
Acquaintances do it right when they walk by and say, “That’s a big elephant. Sorry he’s got to be there. We’re glad to see you back though. I will talk to you later.”
Friends do it right when they come by, sit down and pet the elephant. They don’t have to say much, just whatever they had prepared when they knew the elephant would be there. They don't have to stay long. They're friends, so they can tell how long to stay.
Some people completely disregard the elephant and trample on him. They try to put a big rug on top of him before they talk.
Hopefully, starvation will cause this elephant to slowly whittle away. Its carcass will always be there. But it won't be as much in your face. I'll always know he's there. But you'll probably forget over time.
So in layman's terms ... here's a quick guide for you on what to say:
Acquaintances: Just please acknowledge it's there. All you really have to say is, "I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking and praying for you. It's good to see you back. I will talk to you later." That's it. That's all. I'd love that.
Friends: Something like this is just fine: "I'm so sorry about Maelee. I wish you didn't have to go through this. I want to fix everything and make it better, but I can't. I know you miss Maelee." And if you genuinely mean it, you can add) "I miss Maelee too. I was really looking forward to meeting her." (Then, if you've had questions about Maelee, you can ask those. We usually like to talk about Maelee. And yes, you can say her name.)
And finally, if you're reading this, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, for caring. That means more than anything. The fact that you don't want to hurt us by saying something stupid, that means a lot. I know it’s probably been hard for you too.
-Greg
9 comments:
I'm so glad you wrote this. I know I haven't know you guys long, but I'd like to consider myself in the friend category. Your right, though. I never know what to say. I want to say something every time I see you. I want to hug your neck and tell you that you guys are always on my mind and it's not fair that Maelee had to go. I'd found a few little things I'd planned on giving her when she arrived and I want to talk to you about them, but I don't. I want to ask about Maelee and what she looked like, but I keep telling myself work isn't the place. I'm praying so hard for you guys. Please know that there are people who haven't forgotten and still cry for you and with you. There are LOTS of us that wanted to meet Maelee and watch her grow, too and it hurts to know she's gone. I know coming back to work was hard and sucked and was awkward. I'm glad you wrote this. It will help.
And yes, I read over my comment above and my english is horrible! Sorry about that. I know it's probably killing you to see that... being a proofreader and all. :)
So glad to hear you're back! For some reason, I've been praying harder this week for y'all. I had felt a little like "getting back to life" for a little while, but it hit me fresh a few days ago. Can't wait to see you and Heather especially.
Nikole Addy
thanks greg for being so gracious and thoughtful for those of us who want to know what's most helpful...it really does make a difference to know how you guys are feeling about what helps and what doesn't...i don't think many people get graced with that knowledge typically. i so appreciate your blogging and updates so even us in the midwest can know how you're doing. i wish i could've met maelee, she is so special. -- ashley morken
Thanks for writing this. I know being at work has got to be strange. It looks the same, and the tasks are the same, but everyone is a little different because of what happened to you, Heather and Maelee. Everyone knows you're hurting and knows that you're going through hell even if you're not showing it on the outside. Your sweet, little Maelee made us all a little different--more vulnerable, more emotional. It just may take some of us a little longer to get reacquainted than others. Please be patient with all of us walking awkward... we're still learning, too.
Love,
Ami
Thanks for yet another post that is so helpful for us to hear from you.
Brother, please forgive me for DUMB words that I have written.... I hope and pray God will grace you to let my words and others' slide off of you quickly . (I know that won't always happen, but I will still pray for that grace.) We just yearn so badly to comfort you both and tell you that loosing Maelee is an awful loss, nothing to be brushed aside by anyone...
I'm amazed that you made it to church. I was wondering when that would happen... as it should be a good thing, a helpful, encouraging thing, but I'm sure it was also a painful thing. Thanks for sharing your steps as you go, we are praying for each one we can.
Love you,
(Matt and ) jill
I'm so sorry you both had to go back to church without Maelee. I'm sure you guys were so excited to bring her to church with you for the first time and show her off. I hope you found comfort in the prescence of other believers worshiping the same God, even if you have a lot of questions for Him right now. You both are amazing for sharing so much of your lives with us! We keep praying for you and have enlisted our friends to pray for you also.
Ryan and Kim
Hey bro -
Reading along as you post. I've told Mary Elizabeth on a number of occasions that you are a great writer. Who knows how many people you two are speaking to through your writing. You're right. I don't know what to say, but I do know that you and Heather often come up in our conversation here at home and in our prayers. I can't imagine what you're going through. No, I don't. But I do know that God continues to burden our (and I'm sure many other) hearts for you two during this time. You can hang on them for as long as you need. - Fletcher
Thanks for writing this. I wanted to talk to you, hug you, and tell you that I miss knowing her too. I wanted to tell you about the gift bag I have at home filled with my favorite dress, shoes, and a few other things. I wanted to tell you that I will miss seeing her in the pale pink dress that I thought would look precious on her with her head full of red hair. I wanted to show you how much I care. But there were others petting the elephant. Others that are far more spiritual than me - like the pastor - and I thought they were best for the elephant and that I might be that one more person that was just too many to have to interact with. I also felt bad for not having Tabitha in the nursery and I was worried that the site of her would sting. Please know that you are loved and covered in prayer. Love, Tricia Wolfe
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