Thursday, April 29, 2010

Tough and Tougher.

Yesterday was a tougher day. Greg and I decided we wouldn’t say we are having “good” or “bad” days because our days don’t fit into those categories. When I’m balling my head off, that shouldn’t equate a “bad” day since it’s probably healthy to not keep my grief bottled up inside. When I go without crying for awhile, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m “good” because our loss is still very raw and it’s just plain NOT good that we don’t have Maelee with us.

So we’re going with tough days and then tougher ones. Yesterday was tougher. Greg had to be up early and spend the day in Greenville for work. This one day a year he gets to be outside, not in a cubicle, handing out free water in a gorgeous park… normally a super fun day. But in the back of his mind was how excited he was for this day (it’s been on his schedule for months) coming home to baby and me. He had to face yet another unfulfilled expectation… no newborn to come home to and share the joy of his away-from-cubicle day.

I didn’t sleep well and was already in a missing-Maelee-so-much mood when I called the doctor about some weird symptoms and was told I had to go in that afternoon. That’s probably when the day went from tough to tougher. I now despise our OBGYN office. I would be content NEVER going back there. Not only is it where we had the worst moment of our lives, but it’s actually connected to the hospital where we delivered. And the office has pregnant people and newborns going for their 6-week check-ups… something I just can’t see right now.

Thankfully my mom-in-law is here and was able to come with me so I didn’t have to go by myself. But man, I hate that blasted place. Too many memories. I wish they could put a stamp on my folder that made everyone aware of our tragedy… or a “handle with care” sort of sticker. I know they are just doing their job and some of them can’t read patient files, but seriously, do you have to ask if I’m pregnant? It also doesn’t help that the doctors don’t seem to be very proactive… they have done their jobs and I’m not blaming them but let’s be a little more concerned and on top of things please.

Part of my tougher day was probably also due to the emotional remnants of going to the support group on Tuesday night. I think I’ll be blessed by the relationships I’ll have with the people from the group but probably not as much from the group meetings themselves. It’s just hard for me to open up and be totally vulnerable in front of a group of strangers. And so difficult, for Greg especially, to hear other tragic stories of babies dying. We still were reminded of some good things (like the fact that we all grieve differently) and it’s nice to have other people know more exactly what we are going through (sort of a fellowship of similar suffering). But I told Greg he never has to go again and he was very relieved.

The end of our tougher day was a little better. A few friends came over and prayed over us and loved us. They passed around Maelee’s hand print and foot print and little hair and I thought “we were supposed to be passing Maelee around the room for our friends to hold… not this.” And sweet Rachel and Jonathan gave us a beautiful frame with Maelee’s name engraved on it – an early mother’s day gift for me.

So that’s where our days are now: tough and tougher. Looking forward to when it’s just tough and eventually when it’s “good” again, knowing that our “good” will never be quite the same.

-Heather

6 comments:

Linnea said...

I sat on the couch this morning thinking for quite awhile about what a beautiful name Maelee is. I wondered how your group meeting went and am glad that you wrote a bit about it. Thanks.

TheSpeights said...

Heather,
I'm glad you wrote. I wish you guys could be in a sort of bubble that keeps you from seeing children, pregnant women or anything that may remind you of Maelee's passing. I cringe every time I hear a song that even mentions the word "baby" hoping you guys aren't listening. I understand how going to a group support for this type of thing would be like reliving every thing all over again. That is so hard. It's good you are going, but I get that it's incredibly hard. The Dr's office visit really just sucks... all the way around. I'm sure it felt like they were rubbing salt into your fresh wound. That would make me angry. I'm glad you have friends to come over and pray and make you feel a little better. I pray you heal and find peace. I wish you guys didn't have to suffer.

I'll pray your days go from tougher to tough to "good" sometime soon. I don't know if "soon" is the right word, but I wish it would be. Love you three. You guys are always in my prayers.

jillian said...

Oh precious Heather,

You have written so well here. I praise the Lord for such wisdom, maturity, depth for you guys as you are growing through this shouldn't-ever-happen tragedy of loosing your precious Maelee.

It seems so good how you have decided to count days as tough and tougher- such wisdom there. And I'm also glad to hear about your support group.... have been praying for that. I hope it will turn out to be a very helpful place for you and maybe for Greg too somehow (through outside relationships too?)

Oh if only we were near you. Matt and I would make a way to come to you as often as you would have us, take us in, and we would want to lay hands on you to bless you and pray hope, encouragement, healing, release, and new joy for you every day, every chance that it might be good for you. I'm so glad you had some friends do that. I hope it can become a regular, often repeated blessing and help to you to have the body of Christ around you like that to lift you up and help that cloud be lifted off you. But for now... may Christ's grace abound to you to soak in the dark, deep, and we pray somehow mysteriously-good grace, hope and healing of God to you in this time of sorrow.

Loving you so much,
jill

SarahJ said...

Hi Greg and Heather. Thinking about you and praying for your family. I never have the right words to say, I sometimes second guess if I should be posting anything at all. However, I want to tell you that I am sorry you are in so much pain...pain seems to be and understatement. Your words have touched me, so much so, that I have begun doing things differently in my everyday life. Greg your post yesterday about holding your children tighter, hit me hard. Thank you for such amazing words--I will never forget them.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for the good days to be here soon, softening the tough days that will always be showing up from time to time. After praying,I know what I am going to do with Maelee's name. You are never far from my hearts-prayer lips. maxine

Anonymous said...

We continue to lift you up in prayer often and are amazed and grateful for how you both share on this blog. I read with tears in my eyes and can feel the Power of the Holy Spirit in your writings. May God continue to hold you close and give you what you need to make it through each day. I would have to go look up all the words to a song I used to sing a lot. But it goes like this "He giveth more strength when the burdens grow greater....He sendeth more strength when the labors increase...To added affliction He addeth His mercy...to multiplied trials His multiplied peace. His love has no limit, His grace has no measure. His power has no boundary known unto man..for out of His infinite riches in Jesus..He giveth and giveth and giveth again. (Guess I remembered the 1st verse as I started writing)
Betty and Carl T