Tough and Tougher.

Yesterday was a tougher day. Greg and I decided we wouldn’t say we are having “good” or “bad” days because our days don’t fit into those categories. When I’m balling my head off, that shouldn’t equate a “bad” day since it’s probably healthy to not keep my grief bottled up inside. When I go without crying for awhile, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m “good” because our loss is still very raw and it’s just plain NOT good that we don’t have Maelee with us.

So we’re going with tough days and then tougher ones. Yesterday was tougher. Greg had to be up early and spend the day in Greenville for work. This one day a year he gets to be outside, not in a cubicle, handing out free water in a gorgeous park… normally a super fun day. But in the back of his mind was how excited he was for this day (it’s been on his schedule for months) coming home to baby and me. He had to face yet another unfulfilled expectation… no newborn to come home to and share the joy of his away-from-cubicle day.

I didn’t sleep well and was already in a missing-Maelee-so-much mood when I called the doctor about some weird symptoms and was told I had to go in that afternoon. That’s probably when the day went from tough to tougher. I now despise our OBGYN office. I would be content NEVER going back there. Not only is it where we had the worst moment of our lives, but it’s actually connected to the hospital where we delivered. And the office has pregnant people and newborns going for their 6-week check-ups… something I just can’t see right now.

Thankfully my mom-in-law is here and was able to come with me so I didn’t have to go by myself. But man, I hate that blasted place. Too many memories. I wish they could put a stamp on my folder that made everyone aware of our tragedy… or a “handle with care” sort of sticker. I know they are just doing their job and some of them can’t read patient files, but seriously, do you have to ask if I’m pregnant? It also doesn’t help that the doctors don’t seem to be very proactive… they have done their jobs and I’m not blaming them but let’s be a little more concerned and on top of things please.

Part of my tougher day was probably also due to the emotional remnants of going to the support group on Tuesday night. I think I’ll be blessed by the relationships I’ll have with the people from the group but probably not as much from the group meetings themselves. It’s just hard for me to open up and be totally vulnerable in front of a group of strangers. And so difficult, for Greg especially, to hear other tragic stories of babies dying. We still were reminded of some good things (like the fact that we all grieve differently) and it’s nice to have other people know more exactly what we are going through (sort of a fellowship of similar suffering). But I told Greg he never has to go again and he was very relieved.

The end of our tougher day was a little better. A few friends came over and prayed over us and loved us. They passed around Maelee’s hand print and foot print and little hair and I thought “we were supposed to be passing Maelee around the room for our friends to hold… not this.” And sweet Rachel and Jonathan gave us a beautiful frame with Maelee’s name engraved on it – an early mother’s day gift for me.

So that’s where our days are now: tough and tougher. Looking forward to when it’s just tough and eventually when it’s “good” again, knowing that our “good” will never be quite the same.

-Heather